Feeling unstable

I wonder why it's like this, macam rimas thinking about my future, I want to be happy and just think like doctor is right that I will recover at 38 years old, time is moving and am getting like a dark vision again, I wonder why it's like that, is it catatonia? It's maybe the spike still alive I felt it just now like my legs suddenly feels nice, it's weird I have to live life like this, it's so hard to remove the feeling then just still praying I want the normal feeling without it too.

I feel like they really spiked more than meth, because dark vision is symptom of cannabis spike, I feel unstable today and bored like hell, it's only 3+P.M and I wonder how everyone still got to live their life while I'm in pain, it's definitely the spike that got me into this kind of feelings today.

I took out all my money today - $240 from the bank, I spent on EZ-Link $20 and big chicken pau $1.50, I definitely feel like I can't survive next month, I'm definitely dead having to save up and not be spending around. I am not confident I can do it, it's weird life having to write about money, I really hate this kind of feelings too, it's mixture of stress, spike and money maybe short. I don't think like they will support me at all, I really have no hope in life, I think of cig., it's hard, they really just let me live my life without money.

I feel like a stupid person today, like something wrong about the spike too, why nobody question me about it too. Maybe nobody actually reads my blog. It's close to 6 months and my family still don't support me with money, how am I going to be trying for a future healthy baby kind of food, really countering what is bad and planning of eating good food just so that doctor feel I can meet (S) already, but everyday now I wrote more than 2 posts because of a dull feeling.

To have a mindset that (S) actually never think of me is hard, because small girl's voice will keep reminding me of (S), it's hard to live my life still recovering from schizophrenia, I wonder if I really can't forget (S), i would've still become stronger, like I got (W) and (A) before to skip thinking of (S), then I lost both from the small girl, stupid life this been 17 and 20 years long. I end up having nobody just a lot of anger and feeling wasted life as fact.