The imagination of recovery is living life like everyone else, it's quite scary how many years my neighbours been schizophrenic but still looking more stable than me but haven't recover yet, I wonder what makes my 38th years old recovery as true then, it's maybe just doctor's saying as imagine I can't take it anymore if I recover later than 38 years old, 38 years old is definitely too much kind of duration of sickness, means doctor just creating suicide prevention statement?
When I take the medication I imagine myself as became a bit more unstable when I was spiked, I became to be not fearing of height like I imagine death "from instability" then it's scary to be close to the sides, because "I loss the fear", the spike is making me bad mentally. The cig. coldness really removes such crazy appearance in my mind. Doctors definitely knew this but then the 38 years old judgement of recovery is it true at all? I really want my memory to come back, it feels slow and I want excitement in my life.
I'm at my sofa as usual, thinking of (S), who is at work, then remembering about my aunt that will visit her to give kerepek pisang I think, it's like in my memory the effort exist. I used to forget she's my aunt and believe just by: "Family of Wali Allah", haha means I don't know them for a long time.
The blackish kerepek pisang is really tasty and quite addictive to eat, it's also soft not like the usual hard and strong kerepek pisang.
I feel my boredom at home, so I bought 1.5L drink to gulp while I'm sitting around at Sofa, it's a long day but definitely it feels nicer at home than in I.M.H, doctor like remaining a doctor and not messaging me about (S) it's so long, she's been working more than 10 years and without me in her mind maybe, it's hard to imagine it as "nothing wrong" or "no worries", because she ever tunang with monkeyface, it's harsh she actually feels nothing about me when I feel I remember her a lot. Why is she like that to me? It's not like I'm taking her money or anything, I really want my life with her, maybe she don't believe it and it makes me feel like she consider it as a declaration of an insane mind, then actually I have no feelings for her at all?
I don't know how to make myself stable I kept thinking of (S) everyday since 6 years old, she's never out of my mind ever since I met her, she's so special to me, she really didn't care and tunang is what I remember, then I really can't hope that my declaration of love will make her think again, as she didn't think again at that time, I really lost her before and wonder what kind of effort people like doctors or my aunt are doing, the effort is like so little, then I need her so much, then I have nothing to support her life, I'm really useless. Even if doctor ever said money is not a problem, I know it's a problem, because I didn't get the chance to try to meet her myself, it's weird for doctor to say that too, my parents don't give me money too, why is it so many secrets in my life? What will make (S) want me at all? The best I did didn't stop her from tunang with monkeyface. I'm definitely dead without money and without her, my life truly became nothing kind of man, I'm really useless kind of life in the end, it's so long to remember "baby will be sick", in the first place when being with her, I didn't plan to have babies too, or even rape her, and we can't be doing it as we're quite new to each other, so what's making them stop from helping me get close to her, or she get close to me? Why is she like that to me like didn't let my plans be successful?
No comments:
Post a Comment