So long to recover

Since few more days is 6 mths taking medication, I just write I have 6 mths left to be 1 year on medication and recover, I estimate it will be 37 years old even if doctor say I will recover at 38 years old because I assume 19 June 2026 if my recovery it would be funny, maybe it's 37 then reaching 19 June 2026. I don't rest nicely maybe because of cig., so I'm serious about quitting smoking because the waking up from sleep in the afternoon is more peaceful if I don't smoke. I really have nobody that shows that they will support me during my difficult period imagining no money to buy cigs., doctors being psychics are the only understanding ones that doesn't message me so I will wonder if they will support me at all or not.

I remember doctor saying "money is not a problem" to (S) at Innova Junior College Fence, I wonder why it's like that, will I be getting money in future? Why he talks about future and not present moment at that time? I really hope I get (S) in a nice way, can't I be earning first in January? Why if dishwasher job is easy to get I don't get it first? I really like Popeyes too. I'm excited as fact if I get to be working there, the happiness is real, I hope my energy maintains liking Popeyes because it's my favourite chicken.

I wonder when my easy life moments going to happen so it becomes like doctor said: "money is not a problem", I really want an easy life but quotes says "don't ask for an easy life" something like that, "don't pray for easy life" I think. It's weird I wonder why it's like that, how can our heart match to a quote?

It's bad how (S) been working daily then if I get her as my lover, she would start thinking that I kept having no money, she's so hardworking considered as that because she's been working and loyal to the same company for more than 10 years. She's so lucky in life that every weekends happiness exist as she have a niece to play with.

Tomorrow my mother is going to Selangor for don't know how many days, then January they will be going to K.L for 3 days, I think this happened before last year and she's doing the same choice of journey, I didn't go to K.L this time even if invited because I will feel awkward and troublesome to people(my relatives).

Next year my first sister planning that entire family to go Melaka cruise ship, I wonder if it's happening, they really made me feel like "give me money instead" because my life is difficult.

I got a Melaka T-Shirt from her just now and we still don't talk to each other ever since the argument in WhatsApp Family Chat.

It really don't feel like they are giving me money 6th month, it's really like 1 year and I have to suffer about cig. instead of they deciding the amount I should smoke to help me quit and support me first about it. I don't know how to talk to my family about it, it's not nice me being schizophrenic then they are like this. I'm definitely sad too.

I feel like it's January doctor will let me talk and hangout with my woodlands friends again, somehow. Like busy life will happen to me, I remember again that I will have life somehow, it's last year I think doctor said this.

It don't look like 182 days my aunt giving money because 181st day she still did not contact me, weirdly about money I feel like shameless about it, I really don't talk to people that's very warak as fact, I'm surprised that they are my relatives when I've grown older.

My family and them are different but still the same lineage, I feel that they are unique.

I'm happy if (S) get to know them first as they try to get (S) for me at O.C.B.C I think, but not my parents that tried it, they didn't tell me too which O.C.B.C is it.