I remember I ever took an e-scooter home then someone follows me back I thought I found it, there was no lock and only need to charge it, it was schizophrenic moments I really became like an ugly person collecting things thrown away. I wonder how I will get my life normal again, I used to have interest in this kind of things. I ever want to use a normal kickskooter even at around 30+ yrs old to move around in my neighbourhood, I thought it would be normal as ever seen someone wearing smart but riding kickskooter, I became like a dumb person because of schizophrenia.
I wonder what (S) would think of me, will I recover faster then have memories to write? Just now my dream about Singapore is like places that looks like Esplanade and Raffles Place, we were going out together walking around as Singaporeans, that's all I remember about my dream.
Life still feel hard to get (S), why she didn't make it easier for me on purpose? Did she think I'm secretly insane? It really feels weird? I don't know why I have to imagine knowing her since baby days, maybe her eyes was closed that's why she don't remember me?
I'm really planning to exercise my legs a lot today, as my left arm I don't want it in pain anymore, I will stop exercising my arms for some time. I really feel bored I truly feel like it's not 182 days but my aunt said "anas nak 182 days dapat duit" I think, then the whisper is "anas nak" at first. It's hard to be like a game, I know I just have to eat medications then 1 day I will be supported by my aunt and uncle. It's weird I don't remember them as my aunt and uncle I thought my family just in touch with Wali Allah's family that wanted to care for me since I was a baby. I remember I take photos like perut boncit to imagine if my family would remember me since baby days and give me money, it's so funny kind of tries, it's in the elevator. Why they don't pity me and not give me money?
I really feel I need to walk around in Singapore a lot more, I really think it will still be the same? But I know have a lot more structures of there's something else happened at Marina Square during my last days at there, there was a renovation at highest floor at arcade and billiard floor. I need to stabilize myself like remembering old days like buying Starbucks or Coffee Bean again, I really did not feel it a long time and the last time was at Batam, a chocolate caramel drink, an unknown shop name too, it just looks like Starbucks, still original flavour and delicious though.
I'm thinking where to go as my 6mths is close, will I be doing early celebration because I think I know I will get money? It could be seriously 1 year if "anas nak" was the whisper in the statement that I didn't hear at first. If I know I feel like walking around at City Hall, to walk to Marina Square and just take photos of Esplanade, but life is nothing there nowadays? Even (S) been busy working and spending time with niece all the time, I wonder when I will get my Hacker Job money will become easy to get, (S) will really become a Hacker? I imagine teaching her how to hack, then it means she's going to be my lifetime partner? Why is she wasting her time then? Hacking life will be easy to make money, doctors only telling about $50/hack but we all understand hacking as not that cheap, it's maybe cutting off money that I plan to payback doctors for my truancy at Jobclub in the past? I remember (S) is Potential 2nd Top Hacker in the World, so maybe psychiatrists actually treating her special already, like not giving me her number.
I feel like eating at Popeyes as an early celebration, but I think saving money for dangerous moments of needing cig. is better, I don't know how to get my family to support me with cig. and calculating a quit for me too. It really feels like it won't be 6 months as fact but 1 year, I'm really going to suffer about cigs.? Will doctors help me then? It's really harsh this life if I have to wait for money, I really want to try to be happy. I yesterday found a job as Dishwasher at Commonwealth but I decided not to go and block the person instead, it's too far, I told I stay Woodlands but he still contacted me. I really feel like trying Hi-Ace jobs, but I remember psychic saying I will get heartache from memories of the small girl, then what can I do in life then? $1400/mth sounds like an easy job as fact, but heartache is a lot of heat in body, I really feel helpless.
Why nowadays I feel like I can become stronger sometimes, sometimes I just feel like I can't work, and it's because of walking a lot then I get dark vision, I really need to lie down a lot then do something on my phone, but I don't know what I can't play games. I now hear my aunt saying "182 days" then "later", means 182 days + 182 days = 1 year as her calculation, or the last day of 2nd 182 days, is "2 days later" she will say. Hahaha. I really bad luck I thought I can just keep buying prata cheese egg, then just now I didn't buy, to save my money.
I really understand in a way when doctors told me my babies will be psychics, they actually will pleasure the food I eat, prata cheese telur definitely one of their favourite because it's like a lump into mouth, and cheesey and melty egg too. Hahaha. So cute I imagine I have babies. It's also a try that my aunt will actually give me money because I really want my future babies healthy, hahaha. Like pity the baby if not me even if I'm the one eating and feeling nicer in life. I just want to feel nicer in life.
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