RG477V is not out yet, I know it will be fun again and fine life will happen. It's close to 6 months already. Day 126 out of ward on medication and +48 = 174 Days total on medication, just 9 days to go and I'm 6 months, I'm really successful about this.
Having finished my cig., I wonder if I will be fine without it anymore, as 1 month probation starting next month of cleaning training, there's a chance I will be working at Popeyes already, I really feel like applying for the job myself or apply at McDonald's. Why a hacker can become a nothing kind of man in the end? Why the story of soldier job exist in my life to make me dreamy about my future? It's December and still not around yet, what if it was just a dream?
I still feel dream-like in life, I really ambitious to be a normal-feeling person. 1 day I know I would give up on (S) as it's too long, I don't know why she is normal maybe it's true she really got no feelings on me, it's weird to have memories of her since baby days, then telling kindergarten really makes sense, I really have no chance at all for it to be quicker.
I'm planning to give up on her when I start a job that's by Jobclub, I really want a 1 year kind of job stability then the start of stopping my dream of becoming a grandfather or just duo life with (S) without having any children, I really can't connect with her, daily it's going to be "I love you", "I really love you since kids days" if in touch with her and she knew it that it's unnecessary to have her number as she maybe assume it as daily message to be like that. She's really just not at effort to be in communication with me. My blog didn't work to be getting her at all, I would give up when I have RG477V? Maybe it's start of a new life having asset that's special in life? I haven't gamed for 17 years long and only android games(M.L been 7 years I think)? My schizophrenia is maybe too troublesome for (S) anyway will maybe make it hard for her to care for me who truly loves her. I can't be relying on her to give me money or support my life or the only thing left is i still live by support of parents, then she spend her earnings on herself, it's like no-life anyway that I can give her. I hope she's not clueless about me at all.
I really only have $350+ left for entire January and hopefully February to get G.S.T Package, I'm difficult in life for real, how can I even get myself a girl like this and why my family doesn't care I don't have money kind of person?
Life is too hard and they make it seem as easy earning being loyal at company for more than 10 years, my entire family looks like can work normally, I'm the only useless one in my family. I really hope for the end and get a job at Popeyes. This long without communication with (S) and she don't care, makes me think of myself like "what am I doing?", "36 years and no response that's happy but still loving her?", I really think doctor make-up the "17 November 2025 she love me", because she would've contacted me, I maybe should just treat her like not my soulmate and someone that don't know me at all, it's weird I am in a feeling she knows me then she don't know for so long.
I'm like never going to be a great life: I have no house, no vehicles, story of future is still just a story, it don't look real, I'm still a poor life while 39 years old story is "I will own a small lorry", then now I'm 37 until 38 still have no money or savings, I totally got taken into poor life from schizophrenia.
I imagine if my family decided my life like this, they should at least have a girl in mind for me but I'm left to keep growing old with no talks of whose for me, means they never expected grandchildren from me at all I think, they don't know the rush is real once I'm 27, then now I'm 37 still have nobody in my life.
At that time, I felt I can marry (S) at 27 years old, be living in a secret health way like spiking into my food the medications that I need by 30-33 years old, schizophrenia really makes me imagine alot.
This proves I'm not psychic and I felt hot at that time I remember, while others can go to work normally, I'm in physical pain - maybe catatonia is really other sickness, I really think I have cancer until now. It's weird why I can't work then? Why it's painful then? They just don't want to support me that's why telling me to work, or be independent kind of tellings.
I really plan to follow Jobclub for now, and I only have 1 month of January to finish before I can earn at least $6/HR doing cleaning at I.M.H, they seriously have the heart for me to do cleaning? Why doctors say I won't be getting a Stable job from Jobclub but I feel confident Popeyes is actually a stable job?
Why I grow up to be a useless man even if my father become successful in life like owning house at Johor and Batam? Even if so many doctors wanted me to be their son, I still grow with not an easy life? I still have pain in my body, what is it? Why watching video games of a speeding car removes pain? Why watching art remove pain from my body? What sickness is it that I have?
I want to sleep in the day to complete the next day of calendar for time to be fast, just wake and sleep as I have nothing to do, I really wasting my life feeling bad all the time. If quitting cig. really will make me feel good, why I remember about Nintendo Switch like my Aunt ever said of wanting to buy me that if I Solat? Why is it like that? Why Solat makes something like that but I can't do it? I remember the days when I Solat, I really feel catatonic and heat inside my body, I really thought powers really exist then I remembered now it's actually the voice of the small girl keeps repeating in my mind and kept boiling my heart temperature, why someone got to waste my life like this?
When will I be normal in life, I remember things but not confident of a lot of things, they don't tell me or remind me stuff maybe guided by doctors, I wonder why it's like that. They don't talk of giving me money at all, I have to wait and hate surprises because it's too boring this life. What should I do? Why I plan of zikir for 7 days at that time then I still feel bored but doctors knew it too then why I wrote such thing that I didn't do properly yet?
It's the small girl's voice I think, that is maintained as a recording in my life, that I suddenly feel angry and boiled up remembering what she said, I really bad luck in my life. Firstly meeting (S) at odd places don't seem like I'm her Soulmate by her view, then Secondly she proved it by tunang with monkeyface, then I need to repeat in my mind that (S) don't know me at all and I've got it all wrong? Why do I have to be in this delusion? Is it the small girl kept repeating that (S) knows? I really have bad luck in information in my life, the small girl really interfered in almost everything as lasts for 17 years and kept changing information that's nice for me using her voice. She's a stupid girl that's getting a university degree.
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