The happiness of life is really only like this? Why is it going to be 6th month but my family don't support me yet? My start of work is bulan puasa? Will I puasa on that month? Will I feel back normal days of Ramadan and think of (S) again before buka puasa everytime - "she's listening to the radio too wherever she is.." I feel like this every Ramadan nights..
I just lose a girl like that in life even after trying I have to understand "the effort of a man to get a girl his own self"? Means I need to try myself like this? In the past relationship it was easy communication, then (S) being the most special, like nobody help me get closer to her, is it because of education-level then? Why is it like this she have to be 3 levels above me? It just gets hard like that, she see me as a stupider person? Will she treat me normally or disgust then? Why if she knows a lot about me in my thinking then she suddenly don't know me when she's in front of me?
I'm planning life of forgetting her since my mother pun tak kuase...: to work, to have RG477V, time to spend gaming and work alone, always taking medications, then maybe there's no more memories of her left in my life? This is all I have written?
Wonder why she's still like me, in her tweets, her writing style is still like me, during boredom to just tweet alot, then actually she have no feelings for me at all. Nobody in my family effort to get her, but let someone else try maybe they're updated of others' tries like doctors' then decided not helping me at all as already have people maybe trying to get her for me.
My anhedonia really didn't recover from the Mood Support Pills I ate, it's really like nothing kind of improvement to me except maybe it promoted me to quit smoking even stronger, it's still good to buy. People just give me feelings of I already got the attention I needed, like the viewers when become 7 again, actually there's maybe only 1 reader again in my imagination, nobody tells they read I think, why they are not worry of my schizophrenia and not having money too? I really feel life is bad to become a no money man is not my wish. I don't know why my health limited me like this and people are fine about it.
I feel of saving my last $300+ until February, but I don't know if I really can make it that long, I'm definitely spending like $20-$50 on EZ-Link, then I have no plans again to feel complete in life? I wonder why my family don't even plan to give me EZ-Link money, I have to survive myself all from Assurance & G.S.T Package, I even buy clothes using it. They just wanting to make me feel like revenging them or feel like an orphan since nobody cares, they really cared the small girl more than me in a way of money "since young age", I remember she get $10 easily from my father even after being a bully of his own granddaughter. Doctors didn't tell my family not to do it too, because she likes to bully? It definitely makes her wanting to make me jealous instead, I was just okay about it if she's not a bully. Then I grew to hate her as she kept boiling my heart.
It's weird my father likes to give small girl money, even when the pain of crying of his own grand daughter, he still supported small girl with more strength(money) at that time. It's weird too that I don't care as long as she's not a bully. I just maybe anticipating she would call me jealous as another attack method.
Weird family letting me in difficulty just because wanting me to buy what they let me to buy, in life people always have plans of what to feel in life, but mine is truly like this, I really feel like a retarded person.
Doctors didn't really support me with anything or maybe he being a psychic don't even care, I would feel like cooking for myself food, then my plan of giving-back to my family is only by cooking, then they're fixed type of food plan then sometimes my mother don't really cook what I like, there's no tries of different food in life - like marinating chicken to create black pepper spices, it's usually just buy. She don't even buy maple syrup or honey syrup to marinate own chicken, instead she would buy a barbeque chicken more. What about barbeque sauce why didn't she buy it to airfry or cook? I really feel life can feel a different health. But doctor ever said my mother's cooking is special, even the spikes doesn't make my body bad I think, there's no signs of drugs feelings. Like wanting me to believe in "Dua" then we all just understand it as words of Arabic language, zikir sounds more like triggering an occurrence into life more than a "Dua". I really don't know why my mother is like limited in her cooking style, then she should've just let me cook right then it's variety of food due to marination, I even use sugar for frying chicken it will taste nicer and it becomes blackish too. I wonder why my mother don't really let me cook or try cooking around.
February or March, maybe G.S.T Package then I will buy my RG477V, or even this month since it comes out on 20th, then to just suffer in January as something okay because it's a nice game. I remember like doctor would buy me it, but I'm not confident at all doctor would treat me like his own son, I maybe should buy myself. I'm 37 years old but still like this.. life really sucks.
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