It's weird I remembered about days without Medicine just by looking at vocabulary "Michelin" I remembered moments of no medication instead.
I remembered to make Hologram like a Witch Psychic Ball or looking at Android through transparent bowl(at bottom) to become a Bomoh that "can look at other places" using drone as camera to view places. Haha. I also saw a Wand Biz that's on sale that shoots fire out of the wand, burning a paper to be shot out. It's cool like it makes me think that all Wizard stories in the past are actually technology in Castle lifestyle.
I still feel like making a Wand Biz is cool, and can shoot wind out of the wand, using Tamiya engine inside it and a tiny fan propeller like Aircon or a normal spinning one. To make such toys will be fun like people will imagine of Castle having Wizard as real, and Magic imagination comes back, nobody believe Magic as something real like I wonder of Psychic's and Wali Allah's knowledge like "where is it from? Does Allah actually speak to them?", it's cool if can hear the voice of Allah. I still have 11 days before I start learning Iqra daily by my own self, and hope I become a better man with license around 38 years old.
I really hope I get to work at Popeyes because it's my favourite chicken, second is McCrispy, means K.F.C didn't win my interest at all. It would be daily happiness if I become a man that works at Popeyes and Hacker Job in the weekends. Still the days left to end December makes me think that Soldier Job is actually next year June or December, I really in a rush for money to get my RG477V and try to forget (S) entirely from my life, but small girl's voice keeps reminding me of her anyway, sad how I actually told small girl maybe because her father is Wali Allah I assume she will become a nicer person? Really like a sabotage to my life, I really hard to get (S) as my lover in my life.
I feel a stable job and RG477V = recipe to forget (S) because the small girl's voice can't interfere in vocabulary that appears in the game and won't trigger new(old statement reappearences) voices into my life. Nurse told me if it gets too much to just report to I.M.H.
It's very early morning to blog today, then I still will blog again and again later due to my boredom in my lifestyle.
The nurse won't be coming back to see me February onwards and life becomes a higher freedom bulan puasa(February) onwards, I truly hope I get a job from Jobclub that stabilizes my life into a higher happiness and strength. I feel that I remember I was schizophrenic still - I did not know my family is my family on August 15(off ward) and I thought they all were acting as caring me because didn't give me money all the time, means I remember my family are my family Around August or September 2025, I really lost memory they are my family members and feel like they are acting to not get caught for not supporting me with money and need to do good by visiting me in I.M.H.
It's bad how schizophrenia is like this - what would (S) think I became a crazy person and impossible to be my lover could be her thinking, she doesn't understand schizophrenia if she's like that. I remember if I write name of (S) my writing will have like 9 Viewers only, it happened twice I hope I can get more viewers to spread to (S) that I love her while I'm still alive too.
It's hard like when I think White Hair is Cancer, then I wonder why I'm in pain, then nobody is helping me about the physical pain except mental medication - it's the protection from burning my heart in anger or patience of small girl's mouth, it lasts 17 years means she really planned well on injuring me, but planning to become insane level of care(be strapped jacket and strapped mouth) to threaten the attacker of her boyfriend(boy22223), I think the date is like their anniversary maybe 22.2.23? It feels like that, why her boyfriend have a nonsensical number as nickname if not anniversary? Means she believe the attacker of her boyfriend will get equivalent of what she will be going through for attacking her boyfriend the same way - statements that causes believing something bad as true. Then when her boyfriend pretended raped by her father for being angry at her for attacking me "that have name Muhammad" and her father being Wali Allah "self-damage" as his pretence to her, will definitely be in fear of strapped jacket and strapped mouth too. Wonder how they think like that, I believe their(the one attack her boyfriend and her boyfriend) fathers are also Wali Allah before as have such skills of interfering mindset and believing something else. I really think the story is something like this, I wonder how she and her boyfriend will marry after her boyfriend pretended being raped by her father making sounds of "moaning". His expression is "her father expresses anger for attacking 'name that have Muhammad' and raped him as self-damage", weird way of punishing the girl that will believe it 1 day when on the phone with him. Like mine happened at 17 years old her attacks then 20 years old I hear the pretence of (A) being raped/having s*x with someone else.
It's sad I have to be losing 2 girls in my life just by lies of 1 small girl then they didn't come back to me, there's no recovery of the pain we "caused each other" when actually I schizophrenia because of the small girl, 17 and 20 years duration of single from both (W) and (A), really messed up my life into losing support of love. I don't know how doctors claimed that I will be marrying 4 girls when actually (W) and (A) didn't support me by hanging on and understanding it was schizophrenia but maybe thinking I became crazy instead. They maybe have no idea the voices are like a replayed recording the memories suddenly appear back to my hearing senses like someone "currently talking" to me. It's bad I have to suffer schizophrenia, and they both will be suffering from schizophrenia too then will understand me too late in life.
I prayed for (W) and (A) during my detention barracks, then (S) still become impossible-to-reach kind of feelings, always in my mind and heart, it's like I really fall in love with 3 different girls and broke up with 2 because of small girl, and 1 messed up by small girl. I'm really unlucky in life she have to "be around".
This story is so repetitive in my mind, I really just want to be stronger to work and play games, losing anhedonia from my life to be happy. I really feel like I will be having no friends at all, it's weird but doctors didn't help me about this too, but let me feel alone. I really don't like being alone at this age 37, it's like 1 of fear in life to become a childish mind at adult age. I saw my niece and nephews like teleported from "being a toddler to bigger person"(Niece Dina into 20 years old, and nephew Aqmar into 14/15 years old), I really didn't feel the growth moment it just feels long duration of heat at the moment I was not in touch with them, means I've been burning in pain for 17 years long, then this kind of suffering - it's hard to be believing (W), (A) and (S) maybe cared about me at all, I imagine they around supplying me ice cubes drink to care me still that would be a weird kind of sickness to believe and hard to believe someone is feeling so hot until like that.
Now 8.12a.m, I really feel the loneliness of life as real even having Simba card to remind me of life happiness in the Data that I have, to remind me I have a nice jackpot number already as a special lifetime thing, that happiness is still around in my life. Simba creates more happiness in my life in a sudden even without doing anything to me.
This also makes me crave to go out with anyone that let me use my Simba data to full use.
Even bus have charging ports now, life really feel different and I'm happy how we can survive with android with support of bus and power bank(that we bought). Life became different and technological like I like it.
Also if there's no mandarin lesson that I can complete HSK 1- HSK 5, I really will try learning other language just for fun. I think I remember my doctor knows more than 10 language and I really want to be smart like him, life is definitely fun understanding so many languages.
I will maybe want to learn Arab language, as I want to become somebody in the Muslim world too, I want highest heaven like Rasullullah s.a.w, means I definitely will want to become a good muslim too, but common sense is "Solat" and there's like actually no way for me but to zikir a lot but someone with Tattoo, to desire highest heaven is also weird, I really hope Imam Mahdi appears and tell how it's actually possible too, then decreasing the pressure from my family "to tell to Solat".
I really have no idea who reads until now, but I truly hope doctors are the main reader of my writings as I feel I needed psychic to understand "why I'm like that" because of the unknown physical pain(maybe called catatonia) that I feel in my body. I've been needing psychic since long time ago, and it's special if psychic exist in the world. I really hope the pain just suddenly ends from a power to heal like story of "Nabi Isa", then story of Dajjal will pretend as the Healer of People, I wonder what sickness everyone will be in by then, is it all schizophrenia?
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