Luckily have C.D.C Vouchers

Used it and I decided not to quit smoking yet, because the calmness I can get from it exist, but I know I would quit once I work at Popeyes or hopefully before Ramadan, I wonder why doctors knew I would write I quit then I didn't quit then I still feel this way. There's nobody that will back me up on cigs. except my brother that have understood it as a craving that's required to be fulfilled. I really don't know why I feel uneasy or not stable if to ask my mother for money about my 6 months eaten medication, they just don't talk about it, maybe hopefully it's after my jobclub that they would still think of giving me money, I really don't know how to ask my mother or family. My 2nd sister ever said to make me happier faster at 37 years old but not I'm 37 and a half, still there's no money by her, I really feel dull everytime now. Kinda helpless and not knowing how to explain cig. as something important to my life or reach their understanding to calculate for me the amount to smoke so I quit smoking stably.

The boredom of life is having nothing to do then cig. really makes it goes away but even if I desire to quit cig. it's really hard feelings and very difficult I guess to just expect nothing from understanding people about cig. cravings. Like nobody will explain for me what it feels like and why I smoke.

I feel like writing of (S) but it just became "love is just love" in the end, I don't know why she didn't make me give up on her until the day she tunang, then why she did that, didn't it mean a kiss from another guy happened? Why did she do this to me? I really thought we knew each other since babies age then she don't remember me at all. It's really bad.

Why it's like meaningless my tries and effort to make her faster than sayings of doctors or Wali Allah maybe, at 38 years old then I'll be with her, it's this year or next year before 19 June, it's really useless my efforts? She really pile up my writings to a file, it's been over 300 posts that I have published? Why did she keep knowing of me if don't care about me? Why did she plan of eating the same as me if to make herself not feel luckier in life? Why is she like that?

I really feel sad about money, then people are enjoying holidays, my 2nd sister and niece went to Desaru and my parents to K.L, then I can't even get my money like a scheduled life like a forcing their expectations to me that I only do this kind of things in life. They didn't pity that I lost 16 years just like that and didn't enjoy myself, they didn't support me during my n.s too, why are they like this to me even if I'm schizophrenic? I always try to find nice things or reasons that they decided my life this way but it's hard they really continue on making me live through my difficulty, I will have to wait until February? They really don't have initiative to give me money at all.

I'm sad because of it, if I have children I definitely don't want my children to suffer like me and always have money that they can feel rich about, if hidup tak susah why they bagi rasa susah? I think it's like a stress that can create insanity as it's like a childish tantrum in my heart that it's painful, then only writing is the ease about it and I wrote then people read. I really looks like I became shameless about having no money just because I expect my family to help me, it's harsh yet they continue giving me panic in my heart of not intending to give me money at my required moments.

They really making me like give up on (S) because who knows I maybe can create a business or found a job if have money, then I rely on jobclub alone and understanding life as a poor person instead that lives in a 2-storey house, it's like obvious they don't want to give me money instead, I really don't understand doctors' decision to be like this.