I wonder why I feel excited 2 years earlier, it's bad, it's like receiving news that I will marry (S) "in future" then currently she have no feelings for me, how did doctors know she will marry me anyway? Is it she secretly just hide her feelings and only tell doctor?
I'm feeling happy how I will be normal soon at least that I will work at Popeyes but it's taking so long, I feel like a pest seeking attention because I'm too bored and have no friends, I wonder what they're doing in life now. My worries about Jobclub is only "if I will stomach ache or not" then have to go toilet and maybe late about finishing job if stomach ache or toilet multiple times.
Maybe even if it's 3 hours, maybe if finish quickly then can go home in 2 hours? Will we finish in 2 hours then? At that time during the trial, my 45mins job of cleaning I finished in 25mins only, maybe actually I will go home earlier than what is the schedule? I really hope I go home earlier than plan and finish the job fast without back aching too.
I'm thinking about money now, if I get money for going jobclub, I plan to buy 2 spectacles from Lenskart as they sell 2 for $100 and don't have 1 for $50, it's because my spectacle broke in November when my mother went to Johor I think. Today I'm happier how my post actually have 16 readers then means someone actually at nice attention about my life that I don't know who but I think readers are my relatives, but it could also mean that they don't understand about forum yet, I think it's nice if we active ourself on a place of family news like the forum that I plan to create for family.
I hope my eyes recover tomorrow at least, and now it's only 2.30p.m, I have read Iqra just now and it really felt like I can remember everything within 6 months only, I really want to read Quran by 38 years old hopefully, before my O level in 2027, so I can gain peace due to missing (S) like an explosive feeling in my heart, it grows then I feel weak, I wonder why I feel like that towards (S), why can't she just love me, am I not nice to her for her to fall in love? I remember doctor saying she will say she love me on 17 Nov 2025 in M.R.T, does this mean me and her are attached already? Hahaha funny. I imagine she answer the letter secretly and put "Yes"(and accept my relationship request) without my knowledge, then why would she do that? She really dont mind not in touch with me because knowing doctors or my relatives will get in touch with her outside O.C.B.C? Then I don't know the conversation?
I wonder how to marry (S) it's been over 10years and she's still normal about her life experience with me, I really want to impact a love story in her life and we become husband and wife after going through the relationship together, I'm really 37.5 years old, and I can't be having children at 40? It's the same feeling like I thought I would marry (S) at 27 then actually maybe I will have children at 40 and not 38 or 39? Why is it so late in life?
Doctors still didn't contact me yet about (S), I'm left wondering if it's a dream or I ever talked to doctor about (S) before, I wonder why doctor let me go through something like this alone, like not getting me a friend to talk with, my friends are busy for 16 years apart then we still don't talk to each other for so long. I've been sick schizophrenia as their knowledge and I'm gone from their life for so long. I wonder what schizophrenia had made me looked like, am I like insane or messy? Why schizophrenia create me like this, doesn't it mean all my love expression is like "someone insane love (S)" so (S) don't know if the expression is real or from random insane expression? Why it's so long to recover from love emotions?
It's January and there's still no soldier job, I hope it happens by 19 June, I really want to become a soldier already all the imagination from being Distinction for O and A level is "when I'm working as a Soldier" then become a Psychologist because I will learn Psychology, I really want to succeed in life do I really have the potential like doctor said I "have Potential to become a Psychologist"? I really believe doctor but it could just be "statement for a kid's mind like me", to believe then calm down as thinking I'm so stupid. I remember like me and my neighbour would walk around City Hall and Marina Square then meet my family and other neighbours to eat together as celebration of my scoring of 100s during N level when I was 17 years old, I really hope presents and celebrations really happen as I feel I deserve it even if I pass N level normally. If it really happens I'm so happy they remember to give me present and take their reason as "schizophrenia will break stuff so don't give gifts yet" as believable and caring towards me secretly.
I really don't know what to do on the time I have left, I think I've exercised a lot already and just sitting around, just now I slept from 9.30a.m like that until 11.30a.m.
I really hope my schizophrenia recovers as it's already 6 months on medications I really want to be healthy in life, then during puasa it's maybe morning eating of medicine, just 1 month until Ramadan I'm so happy and wanting to ask doctor if I really will puasa full month this coming Ramadan, I really hope so, if life have to be like this now what else I can do about it. I just hope to get my life supported and try to be happy and strong as I can. I feel so weak daily, like Anbernic RG477V can be a reason to find friends to hang out together playing it together. I hope doctors let me hangout with my woodlands friends again because it's been too long, I think doctor in touch with them, so boring my life being a sick person then nobody to talk with and I'm writing for nicer attention but they doing like a repeat actions instead. I really don't know what to do in life I feel so helpless.
No comments:
Post a Comment