The feeling of quitting cigs. is coming back but I don't smoke so much now, consider the purple as lighter than green, it's maybe lesser than usual, as red is the heaviest. I really have nobody in my life and I'm sad about it. I feel like downloading emulator to play games because I'm bored and need a hobby, I learnt Iqra late today, at night, then I ate Melatonin around 8+p.m too, later than usual 7p.m, I wonder if the girls actually ate Melatonin and Mood Support Pills too, I wonder why it's like that.
I think I will search of games to play that's like a Pack to download then play on Android, life is too boring, I really want to recover schizophrenia already when I remembered about being gifted vehicles, it would be fun to learn license and recover. I remember Hisyammuddin ever situation like mine then his mother gave him a lot of money then I don't remember if it's 1 year or 6 months later, he's so lucky have passed through my current phase of life, and became successful having a car license and with girl of his dreams, I wonder how is he too anyway.
Life's so hard with schizophrenia, I remember I failed multiple times on taking medications, this and last year month of June I seem perfect anyway, I really just hope to recover faster than I should, I really want to be cured, life's too harsh like this.
I remember when I'm in ward I still can't think well, maybe it's the same for now too, like I don't remember what is in my memory as real or just a dream that I experience like-reality.
I somehow remember something like I will take O-level and my neighbor will remind me to take it 1 day, then it's weird I remember I can suddenly don't talk to them anymore, they all really seen me lost my memory before.
I remember 1 of my neighbour is Innova J.C then will make some kind of invitation to her house then (S) maybe will be invited too then I may get to see (S) again, I hope I marry (S) anyway, I wonder how she will get in touch with her schoolmates anyway, I wonder if she's her classmate too. But then again it's like a dream, I ever talk to neighbour is something odd?
I only have Saturday and Sunday to go through tomorrow then it's my 7/8 of Jobclub, I'm so happy the pain of having no money is ending because will earn $18 on 2nd February, it's funny it's so little, but to come back into a better and stronger life is difficult for someone like me, maybe nobody had confidence of me to pass car license too like Hisyammuddin, but his medication really got him passing the car license too, he's so lucky for having to finish the bad phase of life and not going through a worse situation in life. It must definitely be me that idea he recover before knowing he have schizophrenia in the past I told him just about his medicine in a different way, it's odd I don't get jealous of my cousin, because he's my family, if I wanted him in pain maybe I would have said something else so he fail his car license even.
It's weird I didn't know he's my cousin or loss memory of it, it's like I loss memory of my parents are my family members.
I hope I go through this recovery phase successfully like Hisyammuddin and be cured from schizophrenia, I hope somehow Anhedonia can be cured first and if Catatonia maybe it blocks me from Solat, maybe Hisyammuddin was feeling nicer in life that's why he can Solat at that time while I couldn't, mine is many years of schizophrenia anyway.
I like seeing how lucky he is at that time receiving money everything from his mother and relatives, he got to buy own wardrobe even I think if I remember correctly, his life changes into a better man than he once I believed as the most childish cousin ever, he's so successful in multiple ways I hope I can become so good in life too.
I wonder what I can do in life to make things faster, it's like I can do nothing, no doctors appeared to help me too, 26 January is not meeting with doctor too, then it means February is the day to meet doctor, I hope it ends the questions in my head like about (S), she didn't take initiative to contact me too, how sucky my life is. Writing sucky makes me remember Aisyah that (W) knows her nick as Sucky` in the past while (W) is S|ngapork. I remembered during my schizophrenic moment I asked Aisyah if will marry me she said $10K, then I lost contact of her hahaha. So cool because it actually means she would accept me too, I wonder if true too.
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