There's a new guy just now then he got a job on the first day of Jobclub, to work 6 days a week, but I think he rejected it because he wanted 5 days a week, so lucky the end of pain is really money.
I'm angry at the new guy because he just korek hidung like nothing wrong or don't care about others nearby, then I don't have a seat because disgusted to sit next to him, so unlucky my morning pagi2 must see him korek hidung. Hahaha.
I feel like giving up about money, it's really just 2nd February is Monday, then I would earn by then hopefully? I can't like how I don't get (S) but I imagine myself still getting her anyway that I may grow fat and lazy, then if have children, children maybe will die from being sick, I imagine this life, they will be sick from babies but I eat chicken chop tomato rice - the cause of health of my future babies. I really hope I become a grandfather. I really want my babies around June too same date/month as me the birthday, but it's just my imagination. The rage feelings is because of having no money then not given too, I'm thinking if I can survive until 2nd February, I should stop hoping for doctors to help me because they're busy with work anyway, I thought they are psychic and know stress about money then would talk to my parents about it but they didn't, as psychic they really didn't choose to help me? They really want me to feel of having nothing in life?
I really think they still taking too seriously about "Mastermind" reasons, I have no contacts of drugs to become a mastermind but they not giving me money, wonder what can I do in life. I exercise 50 sideways legs lifting each side just now until it's difficult, like trembling, I really enjoy that I got to exercise, I hope it continues and I stop walking forever. Yesterday like I fooled myself, I walk and walk on carpet but I still get the dark vision, it's surprising I thought it's a sign of being spike, then why is it so long like this? Why a spike feeling not ending too, but I can sleep? Just now morning I woke up around 5+ because my parents woke up early, having no cigs. makes me awake a lot more I think, it's hard then I was trying to sleep then gave up and just wake up walking around in my room(no cigs.), then I wait for shower and goes out.
I really feel sad I have to trade my life for (S) like "not smoking", I remember when I don't smoke, my mind even on medications was thinking if prata have poison when all of them at I.M.H was eating prata, I really got scared that my mind would spoil again then I just smoke anyway, I really tried and sad too I failed quitting, I think if I get a job at Popeyes then I will quit, that's the only way, I would have money anyway by then and I can buy food due to crave for cig., like stuff myself from stress.
There's like no hope of earning money for advertisement, I really only need visitors then nobody of my family or relatives blogs, I really feel bored I have nothing to read in my life or spend time on.
I realized something just now that my brother was a smoker when he took car license, then he's okay about it. Just now in bus I saw small lorry with a new license plate then I think like maybe car license can already drive a small lorry? I wonder if I can do it too, I want to bring my nephews enjoying their life at back of lorry, it will be fun feeling as kids to feel the wind from lorry, I used to enjoy such thing and lorry is my favourite as get to enjoy the wind feeling cool and watching outside openly.
I think my first plan is only to go pasir ris mangrove swamp at night 1 day once I get license, to explore for ghost at night, but need torchlights to walk, I wonder if they will feel scared or not, I wonder if anhedonia really will ruin my life until not feeling the fun too. In the past, people used to say that place is the scariest place other than old changi hospital, I hope I feel a kind of life too when I imagine of going these places, I really feel like someone of having no life.
Doctor is not around for me to question why I was seeing my nephew in the past in my vision, wouldn't I think I'm a bit psychic? Why is God like that to me, like I can know my nephew's face and not know he's my nephew until he's borned? My nephew really grow up to look like my father like the vision of baby changing into my father's face. I wonder what it means, why there's no conversation about this too, like people just continue letting me live my life without being interested in my experience? How am I going to create the ghost hunting group then if there's no ghostly or paranormal stories? I really want this energy of mind to maintain being around so I can feel more life in life, I really feel dullness due to anhedonia I think, I'm sad like nobody really cares until now, what should I do to fill up the empty moments in my life? Other than Iqra? Should I learn Arabic language then? Translation of Mandarin I can't really get maybe, I wonder how to get full course of Mandarin language, as a hacker I definitely will find a free one, they usually have level 1 course only that's free.
Its weird its like doctors really guide my family or relative like if they contact to ask me anything, I may ask for money so I live a lonely life having nobody to contact, I hope the future to have forum will be fun for my family and relative, then maybe they just waiting for me to work first then nobody anticipate that I ask for money, it's really bad to think of money all the time, I really don't want to become a bugger that asks for money too.
No comments:
Post a Comment