It's Day 155 out of ward on medications and +48 = total of 203 days on medications. I've decided to write the number of days I've been on medication and Simba data usage daily as to note and have something to write daily. I've been learning Iqra daily for 15 days and today is my 16th day later I will learn. I hope the happiness is maintained to be like this, I think I will learn other languages as "other things to do" and I'm aiming for Arab language but who will I speak Arab too? It's because of scoring 100/100 all subject during my N-level I think I can score high if Islamic Studies too, if I learn Arab first maybe I will be good in Islamic Studies too, then now I still feel like I should learn Mandarin vocabularies, I wonder where should I learn them, there's free Applications of Mandarin learning like Duo Lingo then should I learn Mandarin from there? It's like important in Singapore. I'm really ambitious of becoming somebody of a nice status because I ever scored high during my N-level then I thought it's a waste if I don't become somebody, it's really somebody kind of score, and what a waste schizophrenia got me to score like a normal kid at that time.
My Simba data usage is 0.9mb/400gb finally it have reset, and even if i try to remember it's every 16th the reset, the Simba put 12.1 as the reset then it still happen on 16th. I really feel like a deadmeat because of low of cash having only $63 left in my wallet, I wonder what I should do to ask my family for help, I wonder why the rush is like this, the panic is real shortage, I wonder why people feel it's not important at all, and it's maybe not time to have money, it's different 2.2 is the day I start getting money from Jobclub then the free work is really quite sad it had to be that way, maybe because it's easy?
I wonder what anime I should watch to fill my life, I really have nothing else to do other than sitting around and writing something, the energy to watch anime really had decreased a lot and I'm not like last time during my N.S age, it's still surprising I'm 37.5 years old now still missing days of gaming and it's been so long my life like this, from 20 years old or 17, then I did not take medications and yearly warded been my life then my family really can't do anything about it because I didn't take medications, it's hard being a person that need medicines for the stability, there's like a hard thud feeling in my body(in my heart) that cause my into stress if it's a physical sickness and not a mental sickness, but the medicine is mental medications, I really wonder what is it.
I remember when I smoke, I really remembered about (S) in M.R.T again, then when I didn't smoke I thought I haven't communicated with (S) since kindergarten(never talk too), it's so hard my memories feeling not done what I should do At Least - to tell that I love her.
It's like going to be early in the morning everytime I write a blog, then the few readers like 5 and 7 really makes me think only my relative reads but how come they have so much time for me, why don't they read too that I have something to read in life? I'm really bored in my life and have nothing to do. I'm really thinking of what can make me recover from anhedonia, the thud feeling in my heart maybe is called catatonia? Why schizophrenia will have both anhedonia and catatonia immediately? Why am I so unlucky in life to have 3 sickness at once? But they regard anhedonia and catatonia as part of schizophrenia as fact and only as 1 sickness but the treatment only 1 medicine(or 2) - Paliperidone(4 weekly injection) and Fluoxetine, I really need to become stronger in life, memories that come back is the only strength for me to go on and have something to write then I still don't remember things I think.
I hope me writing this many makes energy for my relative or family to write a blog too then I have something to read in life, it's weird that it's like they have no feelings if don't write, I really don't know my relative and forum is the best way of communication for everyone, I wonder when it will start. They like not having the semangat to do it, it's weird I however think it's nice if family and relative have a way to keep in touch, because I'm a type of person that never talk to relatives, I'm a quiet person.
If only 5 readers and one of them is (S), (W) and (A), maybe the only 2 is a source place for doctors and relatives and friends(do I have any day all)? I'm in a kind of mess in my life plans, I followed a lot of Arab reading and Mathematics calculations way to refresh my mind like an O-level standard maybe hopefully I become smooth in it, it's like knowing Math can make me smart in anything but I remember my friend who fail everything but scores so high in Math, it kind of created me to have loss of energy then I think it's not true that Knowing Math is Smart in Everything, it's sad I wonder what I should do, will there be Physics and Chemistry formula to follow too? I wonder.
Why nobody or doctors not talk to me about O-level maybe because they planned my life communication to be only like this? It to be so little that it create me to write to know my feelings? But why only a few readers then I can start earning from blog if I have a lot of readers, if nuffnang advertisement still exist I maybe would've earned a lot more, but that advertisement company no longer exist. Adsense might make a mess in blog but it's the only hope in earning money being a writer type of person.
My parents are going to Johor soon then I will have nobody in the house already.
I remember doctor saying my nephew Anaqi will score so high in P.S.L.E then I wonder if it's true, or it's just my wish that doctor says such thing, "if my wish" in whispers, then "he will score so high in P.S.L.E becoming top in Singapore", even if it's like not true, I remember I scored 100/100 in N-level all subjects making it possible that my nephew is actually smart too. It doesn't really matter in the end, it's like thinking if I will ever become a grandfather as close to 40 years old and still not married. My life is really like a dream, why someone like me is not married until this age? I'm already too old as fact, then I'm not ugly too, but it's like (S) too why isn't she married and have a son that is Wali Allah with "Iman", it's really what psychic said, if she have a son with "Iman" her son is a Wali Allah 1 day. Haha. Funny.
I remember I didn't tell her that her son will be cacat and only she will think so and not "Iman", because psychic say "if psychic why never help?" to help and tell the same I think. There's evidence like Buccal Swab to know about D.N.A I think something like that. I was only waiting for a reason to hate (S) (and that only if she have babies or naked with other man, assuming a marriage have honeymoon and she will be naked already) and energize her that her son with "Iman" will be Wali Allah said by doctor.
I guess they in the end still not married until now means I really still in love with her and have a chance for a perfect type of relationship as she never nude with other man before, I'm just happy it's like that.
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