I plan to save up this $144 for 1 month hopefully I can do it, considering myself have quit smoking already I definitely must do this for RG477V, there's no other way because my parents not buying for me.
I still haven't recover fully and no news about how Hisyammuddin copes but just understanding he goes to work at jobclub too for some time, I think I should just keep going too, it's hard but have to be this way. I remember he used to blog too, that I don't know or only read once, then help him so he don't become like my experience.
It's sad my mother asleep now I can't talk about the money yet, like I will have to wait for jobclub to give me $144 then they pity and give me money. My mother ever said of helping me but "govt already give money", then it means actually she can give me money too but she didn't, I wonder why like that, I really can't do anything about it.
The number of readers have decreased and increase in weird timing I wonder what it means too, I assume C.N.Y the main clicker got busy then during free time someone read, why is it not a Muslim that read then can understand that I really feel praying or zikir is really not working for me that I don't know what to do, I still just zikir "Allah" yesterday, as I don't know what else to do I truly want to feel peaceful.
It feels fast the 1 month ending, it was only at that time I went for Injection then my next working day is injection again, finally meeting doctor then I wonder what's going to happen, will there be any news of (S) or not? Why is it like that?
I really feeling hungry now, there's only 1 sambal telur then no rice, I feel like cooking Maggie and eating the egg with it, I really feel the cost of living of (S) is not like me and she is maybe having a better life, it's sad that soulmate didn't know a soulmate then can't support me because don't feel I'm the soulmate, my many years of love didn't return to me and it's still like "tepuk sebelah tangan", then I think I dreamt that she "susah senang bersama" with me instead of just having fun in life, it's sweet like it's real, but why she don't help me anyway? Weird thinking of my soulmate should give me money but she ignore and just live her life working weekdays as usual.
Life is really long way to go, it's so long mid March to get a job then I really can only wait, everytime it's the same work then just now I work alone, twice this happens as the other jobclub patient didn't come, the work still became easier when 1 person didn't come but then it feels longer to finish.
Medicine in my mind really makes me more stable and able to work jobclub, I still feel like I lost memory like just now I forgot it's time for Sahur already, then I didn't go downstair to eat, I really miss the days when the night watching television feels cosy and comfortable(when I was small), now at night I don't feel anything just like sandy brain, like frictions then I'm not at comfort at all, my heart keeps feeling like a hard stuck feeling, maybe called catatonia, then anhedonia takes my pleasure of eating maybe, I remember yesterday my mother say the food is spicy but I eat tawar je, I don't know why it's like this, maybe it's the medicine that caused the loss of pleasure but doctors seem not to worry or talk about it, I wonder why it's like that, how will I kill time and enjoy life then if it's like this? April is a long way to wait(1 month) but I hope I'm making it worth it(as will buy RG477V), I really feel like not working anymore and find my own work just now but I remember jobclub at least gives money per hour, I should just get money first since job is hard to find anyway.
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