My data usage is nice, it's only few hours and already this many I'm happy I used the data properly, watching TikTok and Facebook Videos at work.
Just now the bus was full but I luckily got a seat and there were 2 boys playing like a nuisance because of the noise, it's in bus a long ride then noisy kids.
I'm at home now, my mother cook macaroni and cheese today, I somehow hope my soulmate feel the same pleasure as me as I'm 38 years old this year and feeling like shit with schizophrenia. It's harsh no soulmate to care me temporarily and I survive like this and thinking of game console to buy.
I'm really happy of the money that I'm earning and I think of just searching for a full-time job somewhere, I feel like applying McDonalds but I feel like I can't do it. My 1 of teeth have hole, it's broken and not nice, I think I can't work F&B.
I wonder what I should do, there's no recovery feelings like energy from doctor and I really have to rely on myself on getting this RG477V in April, I feel like asking my 2nd sister money anyway because life's hard, then maybe to buy the console with her support.
I'm thinking of what job to do and only Rapid Recruitment have jobs at Woodlands, but I applied 2 and there's no response, it's really hard to get a job from there unless it's Recruit Express.
Just now we're lucky there's an employed cleaner that swept the dry leaves away for us then we got to rest a lot more when cleaning at the garden of I.M.H, there were a lot of leaves and he did it so fast. The rest at I.M.H today is alot than usual and I'm happy about it. It's really easy money when I think about it.
I wonder what to do during this Chinese New Year, I have Tuesday and Wednesday to rest and today is Monday and only around noon, I wonder what to do in my life, everyday I experience the same boredom and can only think of exercising and Iqra. What should I do? I don't know why I don't have energy to zikir so much it's just quite random sometimes I became so energetic to do it, I wonder why it's like that, and I wonder why Allah tak kabulkan my doa, I thought Lailatul Qadar I hit everytime wish for (S) as it's been since childhood days, definitely 1 of the day I prayed on Lailatul Qadar? I remember I prayed every 1 hour 1 day for (S) to marry me when I was primary school, on Friday I think, because 1 of the hour Allah Makbulkan doa, but when I grew up, she tunang with monkeyface still I really can't do anything about it, I feel so helpless and the heat increased so much in my body I was so angry, and became unstable, I keep praying for her still that day onwards but nothing happened and now it's been so many years and I still want her. Shes really my happiness that she can give but I really hate if "just making me happy" as reason of being with me 1 day, I really want her to fall in love with me but I don't know how. I read quote that girl fall in love most who fulfill her psychological needs then I really told my doctors to support her but she still didn't fall in love with me. It's weird I really try believing quotes and doa, even zikir, but I didn't get her, it's weird I have to keep believing in it to become someone yang beriman. I don't know why my relatives believe of zikir and doa, it's weird they are different some really pious and warak too, then they believe in Allah like nothing. Alot of schizophrenia don't believe in God I think, because of the pain as "too much" that prayers don't work, it's hard, I saw 1 video that 1 became an Atheist from Christianity I wonder why she prayed to Jesus and still no success, why does God make us a physical pain then we are called as mental problem or sickness instead? There's really no medicine for it other than the schizophrenia medicine it provides coolness to body as well and weirdly a medicine can cause to decrease voices that we hear, isn't voices something physical, a sound wave that we hear that no one else hears? Why do we experience something like this does God want us to be seen as crazy or insane? Why is God making us sick in this type of sickness?
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