9+p.m writing 2.2.26

Really bored, back pain, missing (S), then the others too, it's weird to be having this feelings, I really don't know what they will decide on me, because (W) and (A) maybe have made promises to be back with me at 38 years old because doctors said I will recover by then, then my limit is really like that, I really don't think I would ask break-up from girls like them. I really don't know what to do, I just need to be stronger first until I get a job, I remember Hisyammuddin was the only one that understands the heat that I feel then he survived it now working M.R.T, he's so lucky he didn't feel worse like me and maybe he recovered from schizophrenia already before feeling it? It's nice like that.

I felt at peace just now as bus pass by (A)'s house but then 38 years old is so special then who is it for, will they really still be in love with me? What have they decided to do in their life? Are they really going to marry me? I really like the recovery feelings then even if now I'm loss of peace, I'm reminded how (S) made me feel, the peace was so high, I feel like I have recovered before truly, i was so happy then she's gone too, I really don't know what to do now, like a mess, so many girls, all definitely special, as I start getting some memories of my past, I really hope for a future with (S), I really think marrying all of them is the best option too, hahaha.

I really hope they talk to each other anyway before meeting me, I hope I know my story with them in the past, how it is, what was the conversation too, I really feel unhappy it just ended like nothing, but it had to be that way if not I would be in so much pain because believing a false-matter.

I've learnt Iqra today, and still wearing my jobclub t-shirt that I bought then Thursday will receive their shirt that will appear as I'm working in I.M.H, I find it really cool to be able to get to do such thing, be in a part-time job at I.M.H as part of my profile maybe, I find it really nice that I have ever worked I.M.H before. My memories came like I think I have worked as Nurse before too, then the people there jealous and became nurses also then I got angry then I demanded to change back as a patient, something like this the story, but was it a dream or not? I wonder what happened, why my luck is like that?

At JOD sometimes have open jobs to become the assistant then I think like it's a road or path to become a nurse? Why is it so easy to get too? Why is it like that? Maybe I was actually like that, doing easy jobs, working as a nurse looks fun as it's easy just medicine moments, injection for patient, then just morning wake-up calls, I really like the night job of nurses, everyone asleep then goes home in the morning, so easy if can permanent night shift it looks fun, just sitting around until morning, it's like easy money too if such thing can happen.

I wonder how I'm going to become a psychologist, as story of doctor is really like that, then I wonder if it's true, I really wanted to become a psychologist to become a psychic and get to express my love for someone, believing I really care then psychological support to a girl would be strength and chances I believe that a girl needs, I really want an easier path of getting the love I need and wanted to become a psychologist since primary school days, it's been so long then finally I'm maybe recovering as I remember this like remember during the time I just take my medicine, then at that time I was still feeling sick because of spike maybe, then if not I would be thinking of (S) as my wife at there I wonder if I was spiked at that time. I remembered that I will have 6 or 5 children with (S), said by doctor, I wonder when will such thing happen too, doctor is really psychic but I think this means 1 year gap per child is still okay if I get married at 39, then have babies until 45 years old, or 40 then 5 babies at 45 years old if really that many.

I remember doctor ever said I will have babies with other girls too, but then I wonder if they really want me still, because it's multiple-girls kind of marriage kind of plans if it have to be that way, it's really cool the knowledge of doctor, I also remember things like "just have babies in heaven", because we haven't spent our time together as we have grown so old already, hahaha. I wonder what will happen, someone like me will really get (S) and the other girls??

Tomorrow is Tuesday, then Wednesday, I have 2 more days of rest, I'm later going to eat melatonin and try to fall asleep, it's usually like this daily, melatonin and sleep, just now morning I remember I wake up and the lazy feeling happens then I just continued bathing and just go to work, it's really scary because the sleepy feeling exist then it's a nice feeling, usually I don't feel like that and would feel fresh, maybe because I ate melatonin so late yesterday. I'm going to lie around now, I hope my aunties remember to give me money though, it's been so long, I really think they ever really said it before, I just wonder when is it, hahaha.