Today is Day 173 out of ward on medications and total of 221 days on medications, I have 19 more days left to hit a 2/3 phase out of 1 year, I'm really excited of my future if it will become like Hisyammuddin my cousin suddenly a lot of money to spend on, I remember he bought Almari when he received money, I hope I get a lot like him too at least, I really want to buy myself something to go out as it's been 16 years I never really go out to places. I really want to explore life outside and wonder what the food at Esplanade tastes like maybe it's the same but there's the new foodplace at there, I wonder how long it's been.
My Simba data usage is 2.8gb/400gb, I'm re-excited many times everytime I wrote about this, that I have Simba as my line and nice number it's really satisfaction and cheap price like how a normal person living should do on their phone to have no problem surfing the internet anywhere, it's like to have a laptop and can surf smoothly will be fun too. I was imagining my life with laptop then I think it's maybe a waste of money as I will only blog, then maybe play Counter-Strike for awhile then get bored because of anhedonia, I really hope doctors fix my anhedonia faster as it's too much loss of pleasure in life and I feel nothing playing games like the past it was very entertaining, then suddenly feeling nothing playing games is bad for me.
Just now I dream of bones of people talking to each other then about a Pharoah trying to revive a bone into a human again to have the meat growing back on the bones, I wonder why I dream of black magic, it's maybe something new in my life my first time dreaming like this? I wonder what the dream means, it's too unique kind of dream, does it mean I will have white magic 1 day? Hahaha. I really want to believe in magic like Psychic and Wali Allah exist knowing future or life of people just by looking at the person, I wonder how it becomes like that a human to have power like Allah/God. It's so cool I really want to know world about Jinns and how it looks like, how the life of Jinns in the world.
Yesterday night I asked my father to buy bread so I can eat it with condensed milk, it's really nice as I miss eating sweet food then I ate them yesterday, I wonder if the girls really eats the same as me, means there's 4 groups at 4 locations updating my food daily. I'm really happy it just feels like real if it's like that, like someone really care about my feelings about fairness in life how schizophrenia makes loss of a lot of experiences in life then the 4 girls choose to "susah senang bersama" and eat the same as me. I really don't want to become a man that asks girls for money, then I think they really save up a lot by the way that I eat food, it's really cheap and definitely will save a lot of money spending like me that have little.
I miss life of normal feelings that I lost due to anhedonia, I used to be able to play games for hours day until night on PSP for example, then I lost the feelings of such excitement I wonder if I really can be normal again even if I have RG477V 1 day, it's like so late and so long to have it then I just live my life thinking if doctors will really gift me the console, I imagine buying one in May or June as I definitely will have money by then as work at Popeyes or given money by my family and relatives as it's June(1 year of medications). I really don't mind if buying 1 myself too as I can't really hope for doctors to remember about it, it's been 1 year and he's been talking normally to me like a doctor instead of what I think I remember as an adopted family member. It's weird I really want to ask psychic questions especially about (S) but they are evading it maybe, I wonder why doctors evade questions of (S) and being a normal doctor to me. (S) didn't also create an easier way for me to communicate with her but just going with the flow of life, but she's working person anyway and I wonder how her life without "Iman" is, she definitely still can work but I was not updated about her life with "Iman", I wonder why she block knowledge about "Iman" sadly, I am really sad on the day she proudly post images of her tunang with "Iman", she really don't care of my feelings at all about soulmate and lived her life happily using the social media to post proudly of her updated life at that time, a new status that looks like marriage. I'm sad thinking her virginity is loss, and remembering 1 other man as a fixed matter in her life, why did she do this to me even knowing if I love her I really mean it by the definition of love, it's true and a kind that people love to have if they really want me back.
No comments:
Post a Comment