Schizophrenic maybe nobody really cares about it, it's just my luck to be feeling hot in life especially when the "out of medicine in body" is coming, I wonder why, just now I dreamt of feeling hot then I think it's time to take medications causing me to wake up, the medicine have finished from inside body. Mood Support Pills didn't increase back my pleasure of life, I really don't know what to do then, I feel like buying St. John's Wort I want to be addicted to playing games like spending my entire day on it but I guess I can't, it's like wasting money but I hope doctors really noticed that I don't want anhedonia to get my life. I only play games for a short while then yesterday I didn't play at all, I wonder how I can catch up to PSP games like this, it's been so many years, I used to complete the games and note about it then change from my PSP listing, I really don't feel the excitement anymore, I wonder when doctors will be normal with me too.
I wonder if (S) really thinks about me, today is Tuesday she must be at work right now and a busy girl, I really don't know how to get her to contact me until now, what should I do? Why is she wasting time? I'm getting old already, this year I'm turning 38 years old in June(4 months to go), then I'm maybe not going to be warded again already like the past.
I really don't know what to do - (S) is not caring like my parents about my feelings and my needs and just living her life as normal, it's weird she survive this life without having someone like me that love her, then she don't have anyone to love?
I hope by April or March I get the job at Popeyes as I'm really short of money and really want to be earning normally in life, it's too long if imagine May, then my full salary of Popeyes in June it's still the same in the end, I really want to have a nicer life faster but this is the best speed I can feel or experience, it's slow.
I'm really thinking what I should be doing for my schizophrenia to recover faster, I remember the days outside of ward walking normally and feeling the life outside, it's like an imagination of Fresh New Life to go through, then the imagination macam terbantot as I have nothing to do in life, I remember things like wanting to zikir alot and wanting to Solat then I can't macam semangat Mee Maggie. I really don't know why this way of having no money is the best for me, having a lot of adopted parents doesn't equivalent of having a lot of money, it's all maybe controlled by doctors about money, it's really the same difficult life as decision of my parents and I wonder why it's okay like that, I'm just unlucky to be schizophrenic if not maybe I would be having a lot of money, schizophrenia causes a lot more control of money to me because I would waste money, I wonder why its like that, like doctor didn't energize of giving me money or make me happier by telling good days of my future, I really can't remember if they ever told me anything. I remember doctor saying I will become a doctor at 38 years old but it's maybe script of small girl wanting to create me delusional, she's just stupid involvement in communication with doctors, ruining information in my life and I can't get psychic knowledge, will I really become a doctor at all? I'm so childish but I really have ever scored well in life before, I really don't see myself as a doctor in future. I feel I should just stick to jobclub's decision and work any job, but I truly want to work at Popeyes like my O.T mentioned about it.
Anyway if small lorry have a newly passed plate, means maybe the same car driving license is enough for it and maybe in month of June then I will be taking Driving License? Because 39 years old is the time I will be driving small lorry I remember the story as like this, it's a long time to go and I really want to pass to become a fun uncle of my niece and nephews. They really need to have fun in life because I imagine strictness that's unbearable making me think of hotness in my life and don't want them to experience the hotness like I ever felt from anger. The voices really can boil me up and angers me into a hot feeling and I become unstable, then it's not nice because "takde orang kacau ape" as the view from other people but I hear voices then "dgr2 suara, gila" as my anticipation "mental problem" as what people would say, then it's unstable, it's sad also of all people I suffer from this "mental problem" that I myself would call it as insane or gila. I really have nobody that cares about me, everyone is living their life while I am trying my best to have a nice feeling, due to anhedonia I can't enjoy myself a lot.
I'm so unlucky how the small girl have filled most of the voices moment of my life and created wrong information that makes me unstable to hear back, it's been more than 16 years and I'm still like this, it's been since 17 years old now I'm turning 38 and still havent recovered from her kind of statements of voices, it's been 21 years long, my unluckiness of knowing someone that try to play around with schizophrenic person(me) and mess up my mind. I really hate the small girl a lot for the mess, and the life I have wasted feeling a lot of anger most of the time, like woken up from a nice sleep too, I'm so unlucky in my life difficult to sleep from schizophrenia then her voices appeared at that time, I really became worse without my medicine.
So unhappy someone can be living her life normally after attacking my life then feeling happier and more stable even having a life with boyfriend, but I don't care anyway, I remember doctor saying she will get schizophrenia also then I just wait for the moment she feel the pain and heat and confusions by the voices. It's hard to forgive her even if I read quotes about forgiving people/others. I really don't like someone being happy living their life after what they did to others, it's so unfair and making me angry too, I hope she don't get a driving license even to have more fun in life. The girls didn't recover or comfort me that it's the small girl's doing I feel it's like a stupid thing without initiative to heal me, they let me be feeling in pain, the "susah senang bersama" becomes to look like they worry I take their money and assets in life instead. It's really unstable version of "susah senang bersama".
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