Feeling crazy

I'm thinking if (S) died what will happen? In the end I fall in love with a dead girl? She didn't think of death when not contacting me? Even like knowing the death date? Time is always moving but she's acting this way.

I feel like doctors maybe not psychic, because number maybe gotten by him since long time ago, then somehow because adopted father have prime minister as status, then I got this number. It's because Soldier Job didn't happen, Hacker Job didn't happen too.

Doctor cheated my feelings maybe by whispering "if work at Popeyes" then tell me "Will work at Popeyes until become a Restaurant Manager", means he created me to believe I will work at Popeyes because "if don't work at Popeyes will not be working at Popeyes", he really won't tell me what I would work as. Why can't I see myself as a stable person? I really thought I'm skillful to-be psychologist at 38 years old because I score 100% in exam and 1 of rare hacker skills I have. I really thought I will become child psychologist first said by doctor after a 6 month secretly enrolling me into the no-exam course by doctor, heard as voices as my adopted father, I really wonder what is real then, why do they speak as "if .." then let me hear it? Why are they playing with my mind?

I see my life as only my brother helping and to estimate June I will get Bulk of Money anyway to wait for others "to give at 38 years old" is like a panic feeling, everyone give when I'm already supposedly to have money at that time? Why are they like that to me? What's the point and achievement? What's the goal? Why are they doing this to me?

I think it's just some few person just playing with refreshes to cause me feeling like a lot of viewers or having readers, I don't see the importance of prioritizing my post what's the point of having the most viewers on 1 of the post? What is the main highlight? Why sometimes long writing is not important like having only 5 readers?

I'm feeling sick right now, not knowing the reason but I always can't quit smoking, I felt better after smoking cold doesn't this mean the spike in my body still exist and nobody actually cares I've been spiked "as it's my own fault"? People are ignoring me as fact and I felt like having a reader that would redirect or highlight important matters to my parents, then actually I don't have such reader since my parents don't talk about my writings at all, I don't know what's the plan of reading me daily or everytime I have a post. The attention looks real like if I have images, the number of readers rises, like I truly have someone at attention to me.

I feel like sick in my heart when I don't smoke just now, it's still felt in my heart but it's like going away, it's maybe the crave for nicotine, I realize nobody cares about me and childish pressers of refreshes may exist to make me feel like having the correct attention. I'm really clueless.

I feel like asking my sisters for money about what they ever planned of giving me a lot, then if everyone gives when I'm 38 years old, doesn't this mean they really like me feeling poor and be in pain?

I feel like a madman, the mini earthquake in my head happens just now I just had to smoke cold, I'm surprised how there's no treatment for spikes but only feeling this like a growing rage then it's gone, like a lot of anger when thinking of money, I survived August $850 and December $600 to be gone just like that without thinking they wouldn't give me money anymore and forgetting that it's G.S.T and Assurance Package already, I could've survived for 7 months with it then it's still the same when I think about it, I'm around 7 or 8 months on medicines, 181 days is like 6 months outside ward, means I lost 1 month. My mother didn't mind that I wasted money again buying bicycle, maybe it's due to the spike I feel like having fun to buy the bicycle. Its close to $300 the bicycle to be fixed up with brakes, it's like 1.5months worth of my life experience, why they don't just give me money out of pity that I wasted my money again?

This month like really bad tomorrow is my working day then I feel like my mother wasted $50/mth for me to get $144/mth, what's wrong if they give me $150/mth to imagine me not going to Batam with them as the price of ticket is around $70+ I think? Doesn't this prove that they actually have money and don't like me having money?

I will feel better if I uninstall all Job applications I think as it's always the same boring feelings.

I just uninstalled all of them: EaseJob, FindJob, JOD, Staffie

I really feel like a useless man and nobody helping me feel of living my life properly.