Resting Sunday

Still haven't gone to toilet I ate a lot of ayam sambal yesterday 3 times and today 2 times, I hope tomorrow I don't need the toilet in the morning because I'm going to work.

I remembered about spectacles my brother bought for me it haven't been done yet, but his one is done and he collected his already. I'm reminded of last year the exact same thing happened so it's Abit like dejavu and I picked the same spectacle most probably, I remember I was testing the strength then broke it this time it's not happening again.

Songs made me think of (S), (W) and (A) and I feel sad after that, my memory loss maybe caused forgetting the reason that relationship shouldn't be destroyed then it just happens, to call it like Qada' Dan Qadar why did Allah wrote my life to be painful? The girls as an individual didn't take initiative to contact me maybe because doctor told them I haven't recovered and will still experience memory loss but this time I've been taking medicine and still none of them contacted me.

I plan of using the superglued spectacle continuously then I remembered the new spectacle will be clearer lenses then it's just about my going out is only going to work at jobclub then I really have no plans at all. The transport became expensive maybe means the salary outside have increased too, but my life is still the same poor me. I read a quote about life's hard being poor or life's hard getting rich, I definitely choosing on getting rich as the motivation, I really thinking of jobs to do on weekends I wonder if I will find any jobs, I ever found 2 days it's only 3 hours work but I didn't work, 8-11a.m doing dishwashing, sad I really miss the days of working just like that. I really think like I should be working getting $2000+/month even if production worker.

I'm sad how my first days of outside ward my work didn't really become successful, and I ever work at ntuc for 2 hours for free instead as they didn't give me salary as I didn't sign out, it's bad my experiments of work, I really need to do something I really wonder what. My energy is the past stories that doctor saying I will work at Popeyes when I was 17 years old, in B.M.C Academy, then it means I will only work at there from jobclub. I really want to be earning at least enough to put myself aside like $200/mth as it seems I can survive with this amount monthly, it's hard being in love then unable to save up, the chances of getting the person I want became lower, the transport have increased making it more wasting of money if search around for her too, she really isn't making it easier for me I wonder why too the heartlessness is like that.

I'm happy tomorrow is Monday then my 3 hours of work then 2 days of off, Tue & Wed, then being able to +$18 is definitely a happier future for me. I really hope my brother gives me money monthly but he didn't I remember the last time was October then February, it's 3 months gap, if it's $100/mth I would've save up a lot too maybe, I'm just unlucky my life became like this. I feel like there's no way I'm getting to become like what I plan because it requires a $1000+/mth kind of work to start, it's so slow and I really wish it can become faster but I can only wish. I think a cleaner maybe earns $1000/month and then having to spend $200/mth like me getting himself enough cigs. and beer daily, the cleaner looks really lucky to me, at least got to live his own life. They've been working for more than 1 year and really good. I wonder what will happen to me will O.T make me complete 3 days of work entire March instead of getting me a job faster? I really can only wait.

It really takes time to become a better person, but mine is like a schedule, just because Popeyes don't need a worker yet, then jobclub method is increasing the number of days from 2 days to 3 days a week, making me imagining to have to do it for entire March, but if job still don't happen it still becomes "Maybe May" will get a job, it's really hard I can only wait feeling stucky maybe called catatonic, causing me to worry if I become unhealthy to work, now I'm still having a backpain still too. I really angry and sad how my family don't care about giving me money except my brother, it's too long already and I think it's time to give me money, I'm really suffering and they let it be happening to me, no wonder I'm happy having adopted family but then maybe doctors fixed the days for me to not receive money too, it's sad it have to be like this, I really feel I can make myself stronger with money and it's not like I'm spending their money on cigs.

I wonder what to do, what will make my family give me money faster, life didn't have to feel like a struggle if they just supported me but then only my brother alone, it's sad that life is like this, I really wonder what to do to gain in life, finding temporary jobs is hard to match my type, then I always have no work to do, I still feel like selling my phone away for extra money but it could be a waste as it's nostalgic, nobody have any ideas what I should do?

I remember doctor saying I would ask (S) for money in the end because thinking I'm soulmate, but I wonder how to do that will she give me money at all? Maybe she didn't even read, I really never want to become a man that asks girls for money but a soulmate if live better it's still sad for the couple I think, at least (S) is occupied with niece every weekend but she ever tunang before then actually she have some time for me instead if no niece, maybe her niece occupied the time she spent with her monkeyface at that time? Then she really have no time for me too. She really don't mind that someone that love her to grow old until 38 years old and not married?

I feel my backpain is bad how people won't believe me can happen because I haven't been working most of the time, I hope nice life happens but the end is really like a schedule seeing my future as "not yet 3 days a week means may extend until April", I really hope it's not too long then I can only hope? Cant they give me a dishwasher job first until I get Popeyes job?

I really want to earn $1000 by April or May, that's my goal to have in life, should I find a dishwasher job myself? It's taking a long time and I'm enduring like this? Why nobody support or help me? Did Hisyammuddin experience this too I know he experienced something like this then his mother gave him $10K, he's so lucky at least he's pitied, then me nobody pitied me at all.

Life's so heavy and I just carry it like this with backpain in mind, money shortage in mind, quitting cigs. as a plan that nobody support, and unknown readers in my life too, in the end it's like June is the moment I will get money, still so long time to go. Wonder why nobody update me about Hacker Job or Soldier Job? Why it's unfair I can only just wait if someone knows the answer, they treating me like a kid, I can become mentally unstable(like already am - mental problem: schizophrenia). Stupid life.