The one supervising me at jobclub gave me $10 as duit collection and I'm very happy about it, I really get to save my money even if $10, it's really something, I feel special about it.
As today feels Friday for me, I feel most rested today, it's a happy end of the week. I really wonder what other memories will come back to me, it's really hard trying to remember my past then I'm looking forward for a nicer future as a dishwasher, I really hope I work until December as this job and not become a lazy person, the job hours is heard as extendable to become 8hours and 12hours, doesn't it mean it's an easy job, like I can earn a lot just doing dishwashing. I really feel Sakinah knows where and what I work as due to my memory of last year like she knew I quit job on my first day due to overdose of medicine then I started to feel lazy. It's harsh I really want to recover and earn at that time, but I wasn't doing properly on my medicine. This time it's final, April will be my first day of work as dishwasher and I will try to do my best, I hope I survive the hours.
I really vision about having nobody in my life, it's like impossible Sakinah will visit me at work because it will definitely be her working day too, then I really don't know how I can meet her one day, she's really decided or chosen to be this way to me, then I feel so hopeless and helpless about it, I really wonder what to do in my life.
I've also think about it will I really become a doctor in 2030/2031? I really am shocked about it. I remember 1 day I feel like taking sekolah agama again by myself then score in their exams maybe, to become what my parents imagined me to become when they ever sent me to sekolah ugama. It's really weird, Sakinah being A level girl at that time of her Innova College, her sportswear is so sexy but she don't mind then I wonder about intelligence, like why other men got to see her skin more than me? I really feel unlucky or loss about my imagination of future with her, I consider she's gone from my life as fact even now I don't think I can get her at all. I also wonder if she don't go sekolah ugama, because she just wear sports wear like nothing. Then I start to think, maybe I'm not at loss after all because she don't wear covered up, but then in her O.C.B.C she started to cover up, then I wonder if I will ever have a future with her, my chance with her were so little then I told her I love her so late when she's "attached", I really lost my chance so early by being shy, I really wonder what I should do, why she just ignoring me and growing up?
Maybe when I work as dishwasher, I will become steady and stable again then 1 day get a girl of my type, I really feel she's actually not around for me at all, I really don't care about "susah senang bersama" anymore because it could be a dream, she maybe just been not caring about me as fact and living her life to her fullest now occupied with her niece then I wonder what makes her not married if tunang before anyway?
I am then thinking of era of Imam Mahdi, will it happen all Muslims becomes to be together then I will see Sakinah as gone from any chances of becoming my wife(because I definitely want a virgin version if her), I really can't accept anything else. When she tunang with "Iman" my heartaches so badly then I became more schizophrenic I went to Bedok Reservoir 722 her old house and waited for her not knowing she lives Choa Chu Kang. It's hard I imagined she had sex on her mouth, private part and her ass with "Iman" then I cant forgive my soulmate for doing that and have lost her, then 1 day I hear voices that she actually haven't done any sexual activities then my heartache got cured, i feel like I "have a chance" to be with her at 27, then it didn't work, then I was hoping for 30 years old, then it didn't happen again, I just went to 722 multiple times wanting to see her, the cleaner there just saw me as suspicious character maybe. It's harsh I am let be all alone, then she didn't care about me at all.
She shut her Facebook and Instagram from being profiled viewed then only display image left, I really became so sad but I didn't cry, it's so hot the feelings I felt I was burning in pain, I wondered why I feel hell all of a sudden but she didn't care, I thought my soulmate always knew what's on my mind and heart as a psychic of each other, then she just really tunang with "Iman". It's harsh reality even now I don't feel she's married but it could be a delusional matter, maybe she's married because tunang etc. was so long time ago.
I imagined that me and her won't have a baby entire life just to spend our life together to have fun, then living in U.S.A 1 day, but it didn't happen at 30 years old, I also thought she would give me a lot of money as a soulmate-support but it's just a dream or delusion again, it's weird I thought we knew each other without having to meet and see each other, like psychic of each other, the tunang was so painful it felt like the dajjal era of starvation and needs of water, I felt so dry and bad but she just continued living her life. Now she's 37 years old, somehow maybe have news of me or it could just be my dream that she keeps receiving news of me, then it made me delusional still, of having a soulmate named as Sakinah.
I hope she grow up and just talk to me instead of making me grow until 40+ years old and not married. It's too old and Allah wasted my years old with her since childhood days until now, we didn't spend time together at all, it's so sad I look broken teeth now and I became to be uglier than before maybe, then she just grow up, I really tried like Az-Zhahirru zikir for benefit of special power and to her to become a Witch if not my wife. Like zikir for her to obtain real power like I shocked and surprised Psychic and Wali Allah exist.
I really am sad that I have grown up to be close to 38 years old and living a meaningless life. Dishwasher starts at April that I'm unsure of my fitness, then I will just work daily for 6 hours for money and nobody guide me anymore, I'm living in delusion like someone cares for me secretly especially because I have a lot of adopted fathers, but it could be an illusion too due to dreams mix with realities, and I could be delusional too. Why can't all of them just give me money for strength and enjoyment while I just focus on medicine? It's hard they let me live this way.
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