I wonder when I will go to places, every weekends only can imagine luck at Choa Chu Kang, but Sakinah won't like it because a waste of money, to and back = a price of chicken chop tomato rice anyway I assume. It's the only way, to go there and post on Facebook then hope Sakinah reads and appear to meet me, but she ever mention about wasting money it feels like I won't be doing it at all, it's sad but she probably wont give her time for me anyway, even if her niece is big and she can care a different way, can't be like she's a maid every weekend then I can't see her at all? But I really have to move on, it's been over 30 years in love with her, I should just give up and search for a new person somewhere after I have removed my tattoo 1 day.
I plan to remove my tattoo and try the cheaper method which is Ustaz Harunarrashid Zainudin, I wonder when I will do it, I wonder if I will be truly energetic about it too, it would be so hard, I will try working dishwasher first in April and see if I can be stable every weekend to go see Ustaz, the cheaper removal of tattoo haven't been completed by me since the days of Masjid Tentera Di-Raja program "Mudik Ke Hulu", it's so long I still haven't completed the program and still wanting to remove my tattoo, I wonder if I will message Ustaz first or somehow Ustaz will remember and message me, remember that doctor said I will recover by 38 years old.
I remember going out with Ustaz to Tanjung Pinang I was unstable mind having schizophrenia but I just go through it, I forgot to bring my towel and survive the days there, it's so hard I became stupid in the brain and didn't enjoy myself, schizophrenia really a bad sickness, it's too bad I didn't enjoy myself and became like insane and crazy, I really suffer and feel sorry for being like a burden. Luckily I'm fine back home and they understood that I have schizophrenia I think, it's bad being a burden and I feel hot of the sun at there too, it's bad and I'm lucky I go through it without my parents or family.
I wonder what Sakinah thinks, why she don't care that I just go? Why didn't she stop me? Maybe she didn't know? I wonder how to get her love anyway, I really hope everything painful ends but then when I imagine her and think of reality, I keep feeling I should move on and search a new girl over and over again, I really can't do anything. What is going to happen in 2026 when I work dishwasher? Will I really work 3 months then suddenly become a nurse in I.M.H Ward35A? Will I work until end of the year then O-level next year? Will I be fine? My mental is definitely healing because I take medications daily, it's tough the enjoyment is not pushed to me to happen but I have to struggle the loneliness of life and pushing through boredom and solo-ness of life just to feel life, or have a lifestyle. I really want to go City Hall, Esplanade, Marina Square, but with Sakinah, I really can't do all that because she don't mind me not doing all that, even as my soulmate she won't help me, then it's sad my heart feels that she's my soulmate that do nothing for me but give pain and heartache, I wonder how my heart can become different feelings, it's too harsh she made me go through this like my parents have decided to not give me money, I don't know why she feel this treatment is good, but it's like a training of life without her and just living my life working and eating etc. without her my entire life, it's hard to do but she let me struggle instead of supporting me, it's useless to feel she read then it could be someone else that reads, like (R) then she can't do anything about my life experiences too.
I feel like a block of life experience from Alisha that it can't be lifted away because time keep moving on until over 10 years, she felt no guilt and felt like not needing to pay me anything, I'm let thinking if money will ever appear from her, it's such a sad thing that she was too small but she understood the fitnah she created then it takes time for her to grow up to earn money, then I can't do anything about it, she's not scolded too but it may weaken her from earning money to pay me back anything, I really don't know why nobody move her to pay me something especially the night I went to Choa Chu Kang and Johor, I wasted my money for real, it's too painful hearing her voice outside my window I have to move to other places anyway, I feel like her schizophrenia is really crazy type sometimes, especially because she loss memory after every attack, maybe she's just a criminal if not an insane person, maybe her schizophrenia really got her lucky in her lifetime that nobody talks about what she did to me, what a stupid life happened to me.
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