Happy tomorrow is the 200th day I'm outside ward. Yesterday I dreamt of owning a red sports car then I dreamt of becoming of ustaz that all the dead people that I handle their grave becomes wangi. Hahahaha.
Simba data usage: 1.92gb/400gb.
It's really a long time on medications I really hope to recover soon. I don't know why happen to me such dreams but I like the dream, it's weird I did a lot of weird death on people then their grave sprayed perfume then they can apply for their death to be taken care of by me. The dream is like that.
This morning I woke up about 8.30a.m then tomorrow I have work, it's just 3 hours so I think I can and must do it, I need the energy to carry on despite little money because every dollar helps me survive this life, life is too cruel for me that I can only survive by working what I can. I wonder how to get contact of people, I seem like being avoided as fact and I dont know why, is 38 years old the age that I will feel wonderful for real? I remember doctor saying it's the age I will be most happiest in my life, I'm glad it's happening soon then I still wonder what it is.
This recovery is stressful as I experienced a lot of like an imbalanced feelings, like something wrong with my head due to the micro earthquake that I feel inside. I cooled down a lot from smoking Marlboro Crafted Ice and Ice Dew, then I think that's the only remedy for me in my life, I saw a video that P.A.P really try to stop people from smoking then it's weird they still sell cigs. in shops and it's not illegal to buy, I wonder why it's like that? Can people die if suddenly stop smoking?
The suicidal feelings became funny because I don't know where I can get dormicum pills, I feel like I should revenge first then I also feel like she should be called a criminal before I die, I'm so unlucky in life my experiences of years became loneliness to experience and solo life instead with a lot of memory loss every year, I don't even remember that I go the same ward every year and the last time I entered I thought it's my 2nd time there, it's harsh my memories like that, I definitely been there a lot of times remembering the wrist tag of my age at there, it means I kept going there every year and my parents still talk to me like a normal person instead of supporting me with money, I thought I became like a disabled person due to memory loss and difficult to work, then my family still treat me like I should work and capable of a lot of things, schizophrenia is weird it should be provided care and support thats money so people don't think of suicide, there's no discussion about my schizophrenia too maybe because Hisyammuddin successfully pass through the bad phase in life. I wonder if he went in jobclub for 3 months too like me? Or I imagine 4 months because of 3days work a week may happen if I still don't get a job. News like getting a job in mid March makes me happy and I hope it happens quickly and end my phase of earning little money in life.
It's weird no girls that love me supported me but I experience this phase of recovery from I.M.H with repetitive memory loss and I was not supported with experiencing the outdoor life too, like going out together for me to feel outdoor, then they don't mind also that I don't feel life, it's weird I feel like this life is like a torture and painful but people feel they are taking great care of me. Great care is like updating me about Wahdiah, Sakinah, Shahridah but they did no updates at all, my mind became to wonder if someone really cares or want me to suffer from schizophrenia, money only from my brother is not enough as I don't get to feel like Hisyammuddin the $10K that happened during schizophrenic phase I think, or it's a dream too, it's weird I really only remember that he received money too.
I really hope I get a good job this month, today is 1st March already, I think I will get my Ayatul Kursi Necklace tomorrow and my RG477V too maybe, I'm really happy the dull phase is ending because I will have games to spend time on. I hope anhedonia don't kill my energy for games and I really can become energetic playing it. I experience like a weird eye focus then if I walk around a lot it's because of wanting to lose the pain of a dull feeling or overthinking, then I really hope I don't walk alot already, then it means I will be at Sofa all day, wonder why I become a useless person like this.
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