I wonder what happened I really loss my memory, why did I buy it again it means it really works? Did I quit smoking after that? Then I started to pick up things outside and take home? Why is my life this bad, why nobody cares about it?
I remember after 20 days of quitting smoking I will feel like a rush to smoke, it's still long time to go before this thing expires, I wonder how I survive without cigarettes last time, it's really harsh and I live like a survivor without cigarettes? It feels like when I was schizophrenic in B.M.C, the medicine finishes then I didn't continue going to doctor causing me to relapse? I really don't remember what happened, I know I'm somehow in Ward around August, my memory is like that, then August too I'm outside ward in B.M.C again. Wahdiah didn't tell me what happened until now, I really am confuse at the moment as someone like me would never ask for a break-up, it's weird I just suddenly feel it's over, twice, about Shahridah too. Why did Alisha do this to me? When is balasan Allah for her? Why it seems she can enjoy her life instead? It's so unfair, why no girls revenge Alisha instead of losing me in life? Why they don't mind losing me? What recovery is this if my mind is like this?
I just have to wait and see if she really will get to enjoy life with her boyfriend, there seems no way I can know anyway, except every Hari Raya maybe, wonder what to do in life, she's so annoying to think about, why nobody sued her too? Isn't it supposed to be sue-able? Why am I left like this for more than 20 years? Being damaged by her words and sayings making me feel hot and angry? Why is this a recovery phase? Why nobody ask her for money for me too? Doesn't it means my prayers not answered? It means the teaching about "doa orang teraniaya terkabul" been bullshit. She got to reach University and have a boyfriend that accused me of sleeping with his mother, then they survive 2 Hari Raya, but me I didn't survive 2 Hari Raya with my 2 girls Wahdiah and Shahridah, only 1. This is bullshit, it's not fair at all.
Nobody revenge on her at all everyone seemed to care her like their own baby since my mother used to take care of her since baby days in my house. I definitely regret being nice to her when she was a baby, then seeing my father gave her money all the time made me angry too that I was let to suffer while she gets money. Life is crazy, she makes his granddaughter cry everyday then gets money. My parents are stupid, they always left my niece with her, they're not lovely at all, Alisha always makes her cry but only maybe because of schizophrenia she dare to do it in front of me, then she tried making me crazy too and nobody cares, it's definitely suicidal, I loss Wahdiah now an engineer, then I loss Aby(Shahridah) now a teacher, then I loss my chance with Sakinah in M.R.T, someone like me probably would make her change her mind somehow, I never got rejected in love story before, it's weird I lost 3 girls chances then now I'm made to think of Lyanie which is impossible I can be with her? Why doctor say I will be in relationship with her? What will make me love her?
I really have no idea what I'm going to do in my life, I lost everyone then became a nobody with normal scores for N-level, now I'm turning 38 years old and still my memories and life stuck thinking Dina is 3 years old named as Adrianna in the story of my dream maybe mixed up with me. My recovery is too little, it's like nothing as fact, Alisha got to taunt of talking about 1 eye by bandaging her eyes twice two years, nobody would be bandaged at eyes unless blind, she's definitely being a bitch when she comes home.
Why her parents don't update me about her life? I definitely will revenge why her parents didn't think for me what I should revenge about? Isn't it because of the fact that they love her and happy she achieved high in life, then my suffering why nobody feel guilty not caring I went through all these? This is stupid. Nobody feel bad at all.
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