Slept today

I still feel anhedonic about playing games, it is sad the feeling is like that, I really want to not feel wasting my money especially when I take medicines, it's more than 200 days outside ward and on medications that I haven't recover from it(anhedonia) is bad, puasa left about 9 days left, close to my injection day, why is the boredom and dullness of life not ending? I really want the bad feelings to go away.

Life feels heavy as I change my way of drinking into adding Zero Kalori instead, then I bought plain water instead for 70 cents, I wonder what Sakinah is doing, just now I feel that I became a boring person and she somehow will get into my life soon, but it's just like a dream-like feelings, it's really harsh I really want to feel the jackpot feeling, but I can't get my wish. Not having someone I love in life is annoying, I keep seeing myself as someone that won't become a grandparent, like I'm too old already to have children, 38 years old in 3 month is difficult long wait, but I am enjoying if I get to experience month of July outdoor, I really feel like I have no life if I enter ward again, it is really hard that my life were like this repetitively but my mother lied I only entered ward twice, I don't know why she doesn't just be straight forward of how many times I have entered ward, like they don't care about me putting me inside ward every year for 1.5mths. I don't know why they don't just increase lightness in my life, it's really heavy.

Tomorrow a working day I feel quite excited as it's Thursday, it's definitely feeling like Friday if like the girls working will enjoy Friday, then it's 16th and 19th working day again, then 23rd 26th and 30th, I only have 5 times left after this and I would earn $162. I'm really happy it's a lot more, I really wish to be doing dishwashing already before April start as I'm tired of jobclub life. It's easy but I don't know why I feel restless ever since I took this Zero Kalori syrup, but I rest more than walking a lot. I read that walking around decreases stress, maybe I'm just stressed? I really feel like having no life.

I'm thinking what to do outdoor, I remember I have bicycle then what should I do then? When's the night bicycle riding going to happen, what will I be doing every night then, is it eating at 888? I imagine 31×$5= $155 will I have such money monthly to eat everyday?

I really feel like doing my O-level next year or just apply for Soldier Job at saf govt website, maybe I will just take O-levels and A-levels then computer course instead and work computer stuff? I remember doctor saying like I will become a nurse at ward 35A but then it's really like could be Alisha's voice lying to me in a deep tone or pretending as voice of man(doctor), I thought I would be learning Psychology at 38 years old as a nurse at Ward 35A? Wonder what I will have to do in life, it's so hard I maybe dreamt of becoming a nurse in the past I thought I ever worked as nurse before causing this too. Its maybe I didnt take medicine then I dreamt as becoming a nurse? I remember the Vans Black Shoe, I was definitely working as a nurse in the past? It's the reason I bought a black shoe in the past?

Now its only 3.11p.m then I have no good plans in life, anhedonia create me boring about my console then I really don't know what to do in my life. I ever tried playing Baseball then I became like a dumb person instead, it's hard to play I wonder if I really can become like my past knowing how to play the game.

Tomorrow will be fast 3 hours then 3 days of resting days, I'm really happy the garden leaves all have dropped and the tree cut off so it becomes lesser leaves to sweep, but I don't know tree grows quite fast, I really don't want to be long in jobclub and want to do the work at the same time, maybe my Mood Support Pills created me to have such mood sometimes.

Don't know why the elevator haven't start building, August is a long time that created me imagining $850 then December is R.T.S link, it's a lot of new stuff in my life I have to become stronger and feel life like whatever can be gotten from surrounding. If I spend $5 to and back from Johor, it's $10, then I imagine buying food there, then shopping abit, will my life become like that at all? I really want to grow up I'm rounded off to be 40 years old but I'm still childish thinking I'm 20+ years old still, I really didn't feel life for 16 years+ because of continuous memory loss and I don't remember such age too, it's harsh it have to be like this, like nobody cares if not they would question me if I want to walk around outside like Marina Square, like to have a life, but people let me live normally until a working condition, then still let me be, I'm reminded of Hisyammuddin like nobody cares, it becomes suicidal again, why people dont mind that I don't get anything in life?