I think there's no update about my life like getting money it's just imagination by small girl Alisha or it's because it's like Hisyammuddin's phase of life, or it's just too early because only March now, I still find it quite long that it's like this, I don't know why my mother is not supportive like Cik Norma, it's boring decision I have quit cigarette I guess to calculate the days tomorrow onwards, counting down to 10 days will crave cigarette then 11-20 days will feel the fear in heart for not smoking, then after that maybe it's gone forever. It's weird someone like me to not smoke but it makes like wanting to remove tattoo at the same time.
I was thinking of adding tattoo but my brother gave me $1000 at that time and I bought RG477V for $310, then now having $422 in bank and $58 in wallet, Ramadan really took a lot of my money away then I can't become an uncle that gives collection money to my nieces and nephews, I wonder why my family find it as something normal to not give any money at my age, they didn't support me like giving me money during Hari Raya since baby days, only Ramadan shopping money in secondary school days as my last one, they stopped giving money for so long already, I wonder why it's like that my mother always blocking money from me. Tomorrow I will get $100 from I.M.H research of schizophrenia and I'm happy about it. It's really stupid that I really been smoking then quitting it as my self-damage, I wonder why the self-damage is like this.
It's a pleasure to self-damage I guess but then it's to stop smoking as the self-damage, I wonder what will happen to me. I also hope tomorrow is the talk about jobs. I really hope O.T give me a $2k salary kind of jobs to do.
Right now it's about 1hr+ to go until buka puasa, then it's 1week+ more until Hari Raya, only going to nenek gemok's house and my old nenek house at Tampines then that's all. I really won't bump into Sakinah I guess, it's been so many years my nenek gemok at Choa Chu Kang and I didn't bump into Sakinah, it's really a bad life to think about now becoming 38 years old and still in love with her then my parents didn't care at all. The suicide is definitely true feeling, I just need more time and money that's all. It's weird my confidence is because it's a sleeping pill to overdose that's all.
Smoking create lightness and ease from the hot feelings but I guess the self-damage is like that, I really can't do anything about it that people want me to suffer and I experience life without gains of money from my parents but from my brother. My brother can give me so much $1000 with 1 child, then it means my 2nd sister with 1 child also can give me so much too but she didn't help me at all. My 1st sister with 4 child can give me $250 too but she didn't give me too. I wonder why only my brother helped me, it's so annoying my own parents don't support me about getting Sakinah, I feel weak then I can't chase because I'm sick and schizophrenia, I really lost her like a tortoise that never win a race from a rabbit. This is stupid life I'm having, I hope it finishes soon.
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