Anyway yesterday I ate Nasi Biryani that I get for free from the Giveaway Ramadan at Woodlands Drive 50, I'm happy I taste something so good after a long time, the radio really made me think of Sakinah more when the name of the speaker(Ustazah) is same as her name, I really can't get away from not thinking of her at all. It's really hard to think doctors will settle her for me.
I don't know what made both Wahdiah and Shahridah to be fine about this split up, I loss my memory but they are fine about it, I wonder why they didn't try a continuous memory refreshment on me and let me be for more than 10 years, why is there no effort, is the effort only loyalty in secret? Why I'm left alone suddenly for so long, is 38 years old really the end of this singlehood life and I will be back to 1 of them?
I'm planning to download PSP games to play on my console just now, just thinking what games to play as I want to complete all of them maybe, I really hope it's worth it spending so much already to play games on my console. The fun exist but I need it to be more fun that anhedonia took away from me. There's no seeing doctor this March and April then it means they feel I have gotten enough medicine information to just keep consuming them until May, it's really hard like a continuous repeat of life that I have to go through, like nobody cares forever as the fact as nobody talks about it. I wonder when I will stop blogging, I feel like stopping already and writing my days in Notes, but it is good to update whoever that likes to know about my life even if it's boring life.
I feel like something hard in my head that it have to go away for me to feel better, like a slowdown or jamming me from able to think normally, schizophrenia is really like this, the boredom is quite hardcore madness that writing is the only best solution to do. It's hours of wait using my android at Sofa, it's like I really need to focus on working 1 day so I don't feel life as meaningless, and I have something to do, I hope my energy is a lot too instead of feeling like a survivor when doing something.
I really only have March April May June July August, 6 months to maintain having money until I get the Package from government. It's still 3 or 4 months to go to feel complete about medicine experience then I wonder still if I will get any money from my parents.
Tomorrow I will be reaching home late around 3pm or 4pm because of the I.M.H research, it's going to be a boring day but hopefully not and hope it's fast too, I hope they give something like a cure exist faster than normal, their main focus of research is really my sickness - schizophrenia.
I wonder how I can survive if I don't get a good job I'm really dead, earning $2K+ is my goal to maintain working there continuously or forever. I remember doctor saying at 38 years old I will save $50K until 41 years old, so I hope it's a nice job that I will get. I wonder what will make me have so much money, like what would I work as? Even if Alisha is paying the penalty, which I don't know what date, I think about the $50K is my own earnings to save, or doctors say it's from continuous money given to me due to pity of schizophrenia. It's really a lot if I can save up so much I'm really happy.
The memory mix up with like-dreams then I don't know which is real or which is information of lies by Alisha too, as I hear voices of small girl I can only assume it as her, it really sucks not knowing my future by doctor because someone messed up the information, the happiness feeling in my heart like gone and taken away due to the lies when it happens. I don't know why my parents don't just give me money when Alisha lied about $10K because maybe she ejek that I have no money in life, then at that time I was quite young and my life wasted thinking about bad life repetitively even after my medicine I'm still lagging behind in life thinking about Alisha's bad luck creation. I really have no way to counter it as it's the voices I hear that reminds me repetitively and that my life already became bad but still experiencing it is like a crazy feeling mentally.
When I close my eyes I have visions of my father I don't know why in the sunlight exist black images of my father, it's weird my eyes nobody talks of it to comfort me but I just live a normal same life like someone requiring to be fed so as not to be accused of torture "because feed me food", like someone actually don't care and leave me with money earned from myself and only given from my brother, if my brother can give me $1000 then actually my father or mother can actually give me more too but they let Alisha successfully damage me by being like her wish that I don't get money at all. It's really an angry feeling that I wish to rage her with jealousy, that I don't know what she will be jealous about. She's small and looks like easy to die but have a crazy attack method that lasts for more than 10 years in her sentences said to me, I don't know why I remember it so long and I don't know why my parents or family don't grow hatred to her, maybe because shes my neighbour and they just want to treat it as schizophrenia causing me like this instead and not pain by Alisha. They're just keeping the relationship as neighbours as nobody fights Alisha for me but let me go through her talks and experience the bad of her talks. I really suffer in life like a lot of sadness because of her I really can't forgive her even if I post something about a forgiving quote. I think it's my entire lifetime I won't forgive her, but Allah only makes it feel like a power of revenge then actually Alisha don't care of it at all like she likes making my niece cry when my niece was a toddler. Means she don't care about matter of "Allah's anger" like if I don't puasa in Ramadan or have Tattoos on my body. What a stupid life thinking Allah will help, when actually taking medicine is the reason I am able to think still.
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