I feel so dead, Wahdiah seen as wearing a marriage kind of wear while Shahridah is Mdm as status, I really lost everyone in my life journey of schizophrenia by Alysha, it's been over 20 years and I still remember her as a bad girl while people see her as a nice girl I think because she entered University. It makes me think differently of humans, some university people maybe are criminals in the past that got away, my mind became like that when thinking of Alysha. It's really harsh but my reality is like this, nobody truly cares a schizophrenic like someone that have schizophrenia but treated the same like everyone else, the understanding is not deeper and the treatment expectation is the same for an outcome like others, it's weird people may be hearing voices of other sentences while talking but they still talk normally.
When I get my journal book, I will write my journey to 38 years old my age of recovery as said by doctor, then I remember im supposed to be a soldier already but doctor didn't remind me the promise or story is like that, but I have to live on thinking I will be fine, I don't feel fine anymore, I'm reaching 38 years old and I'm not married, I don't have a lover, I can't work to care my family, it will be 1 sided care and I will rely on my parents' food at home, while she will enjoy her hard earned money by herself. Its really tough my life my imagination of least pleasure and happiness in life as like that.
Simba have energized me about life, like suddenly I have more in life, then it's actually everyone have more in life, but then the magical feeling exist like God is making me feel wealthier and richer with Simba, it means I need to go out more and enjoy myself, I really don't know it feels so hard, I am at the path of quitting smoking slowly, instead of suddenly. It's really heavy, the feeling of smoking just now even a bad taste cigarette brand "Flower", it's pleasure exist like sudden lots of happiness, is it called Dopamine? I really need the Dopamine but I read that antipsychotics medicine are dopamine-blockers so I really don't know. Its weird that someone like me have to eat antipsychotics, I used to imagine psychotic as something crazy or insane, then it means just to prevent insanity and craziness, I'm quite shocked of what my medicine is called or categorized like that, it's sad that after 38 years(soon) I am someone that eat antipsychotic and on the verge of becoming insane many times, I believe words easily is what I realized from schizophrenia, means Alysha's lie submitted into my mind successfully and I became believing the lies instead. It's madness how she made me believe I will receive money then now it's almost 1 year on medicine and still no money received on the 6th month of medicine like Hisyammuddin, so I'm that unlucky in life. I think my parents dont pity me enough like Hisyammuddin was pitied.
I vision myself as someone that will not get married, but I really don't know about it, if I get my money it's like a sunshine into me a kind of happiness that I thought of buying blog domain and look nicer having a blog website of my own, then I would imagine myself meeting Shahridah again, but then the reality is her status as Mdm and she's gone from my life entire lifetime, it's sad my love story, Alysha intruded and ruined it successfully, I get anhedonia from her attacks then it's all anhedonic feelings instead of pleasures of happiness of being with a lover, I'm sad my happiness terbantot like got cut off/away.
I will write more later I think it's enough for now, always story of Alysha is kinda bad, I don't know what happiness will happen to her if I write about her, maybe she don't know she attacked my life and still blurry thinking it's schizophrenia that I'm thinking it's her, hahaha, funny as hell, it's so sad like that I have nobody siding me to be against her because she's a small girl that can easily die of be beaten but so cruel and rude. I'm sad about my life like this.
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