I feel like cancelling the job opportunity because story of doctor maybe is I will quit anyway, but earning $200+ is still something, it's too much like a cleaner anyway if do it but I don't feel healthy if I cancel it, so I don't know what to do, I need to make independent decision and yesterday I have accepted the job, I planned to focus on medicine but they give me a job already anyway, it's really harsh the job type like I won't like it and like it at the same time, it's a dilemma feeling that I have to go through.
I am thinking why my father still using expensive line phone instead of $10/mth, because of his number most probably but doctor ever said he will change number to Simba before the company even exist, so I really wonder when, I really am hoping for the $10K cash that I will hold when using this number but still it could be 10 years from now, I really don't know where I will get it from too.
I'm happy and excited about the incoming books that I ordered, about Iqro' and Surah Pilihan, I really hope I become someone good in Islam, it's really troublesome to wake up every morning to solat subuh, but I imagine Sultan maybe do such thing and he's fine managing the country and affairs with other country, so maybe I should Solat too, to become someone of high status and Solat I definitely must try 1 day. It's like Ustaz a high status and Solat everyday, he don't feel sleepy when teaching and can still have fun like playing bowling so I think I must have the same kind of energy too.
In my imagination, I will only last for 1 week in this job then I will quit earning $200+ only, I really don't know but should I try at all or not start at all? It's bad not having someone to talk too, I would ask what to say if to not start at all, but I remember the staircase of success is a lot of failures, so I really don't know should I just earn and fail in this job? It's a complicated path anyway to workplace because to stop at Maxwell M.R.T is something like foreign to me, in still new to the M.R.T line due to schizophrenia, I only take that route when follow my parents to Batam dropping at Outram Park M.R.T.
This morning I ate chicken sambal goreng maybe my father bought it, then I hangout downstairs awhile, I still have $1+ almost $2 in my wallet after buying redbull and smoking, just now in toilet I smoke 1 piece of rolled tobaccos while downstairs I smoke 2 piece length of rolled tobaccos. I imagine that the Sultan don't smoke so I maybe must become someone like that for a high status, I remember in the video call asking the Sultan "how to see Jinn" because I read in Asma-ul-Husna can mintak Raja also of what we wish to have in life. One day I will read Yassin daily hopefully then gain such supernatural eye power and be having a strong heart to see it. It's hard to understand powers by reciting Surah, but I remember when I recite Yassin in the past through laptop, the peace in my brain was felt it feels like my brain was edited into peace like something jointed and the pain breaks away in my brain, means mental sickness exist a kind of pain in brain? It's weird to understand a Surah can become a supernatural power thing like Ayatul Kursi said as to ward off evil if recite. I really hope I become holy enough to believe such thing but sometimes I just try anyway hopefully for a power from God to happen. It's really harsh saying sentences in Arabic language means gaining a kind of power to ourself, I wonder if it's true, like "khasiat of Surah" etc., I wonder how a Wali Allah believes all that like Ustaz don't feel it is a waste of time saying Arabic sentences when praying. It's like there's another way of praying but then it maybe just my imagination because Islam teachings don't have such thing.
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