I'm sad how I'm actually crazy as fact then schizophrenia is the sickness I have instead, it's not insane/crazy weird but true, a mental sickness that hears voices and seeing things, it's harsh my life is like this.
Today I bought another highlighter at shop to highlight the time of writing journal, today I wrote that I have undeleted my blog. I don't really mind because 1 day the journal will look nice, it's yellow and green highlighter and blue ink, it will be in a lot of pages then suddenly becomes pleasant to read, I hope I'm fine and happy doing this, I remember doctor saying during my O level I will have leather journal, it's definitely this same one.
I don't know how much smarter I will become due to having a journal, it's like something in my mind the intelligence of someone is higher when they have a journal, I think I will be fine like this. I really have about 2 months until my birthday, then 10 days later is the ward day that I usually enter I.M.H, I don't know how it won't happen but I will just try my best by taking medicine daily, I worry because of cigarette that's all, but it's weird something that we can buy in public as a reason to enter ward is too much, law didn't ban it anyway, I just feel panic in my heart. I really look like having a lot of tobaccos left don't know how long it will last but I am just surviving from suffering deeply.
I somehow hope this is the job that doctor say I will earn $1400+, and I hope I last long here, but then my memories like doctor said I will only earn $200+ here. It's hard why they let me work anyway if I am going to quit? Why doctor didn't remind me too?
I somehow hope that I grow to become a stronger life kind of person, I'm deciding to buy the Iqra Muqaddam Juz Amma book to keep in my bag and read it daily or weekly, I hope I will understand how to read Arabic words one day, it's really exciting doing this and I don't know if I will become a better man yet, my parents looks like they don't care that I become a dish-collector as public face at coffee shop, it's weird they are not upset that they can give me money but doing this to me, I really feel hopeless but journal will make me strong, something new to feel in life.
It's so sad other people are stronger in life because of PES Status but I'm made to work like this, like this means I will really quit working after earning $200+. I really don't know, it's only 4 hours but maybe 6 days a week, so I really should try I think. Maxwell is the MRT that I will stop at daily to reach work at 10.45a.m, it's a morning ride to work.
I feel like life is unfair, people at my age already have more than $100K in bank most probably but I only have $519+ now, it's so little and so far away, I don't want God to create me this way, so weak and poor. I really hope I last long enough in this job until month of taking O-level, I really don't know because I don't remember what doctor said, it's really sad how weak my memory is and how they don't remind me. I'm really all alone in life. I am also sad that I removed picture of Sakinah but it's more sad if someone saw Sakinah's Shafa playlist have "Nur Iman", then it's like tepok sebelah tangan(delusional) due to schizophrenia or words of Alysha had lied or pretended as Sakinah, it's weird how someone so special to me got to see me as schizophrenic by Alysha, I'm never going to recover from this heartache, I don't know why she was borned to give heartache to me in my life, but if not because of her I wouldn't have met Aby(Shahridah) anyway, but the hurtful feelings exist anyway.
I remember her mother would be giving me money at 38 years old but I'm not sure as penalizing Alysha and deducting her money 1 day, then it could still be a dream too, it's really hard everytime an information I may think it's a dream now, I became someone that's uncertain about a knowledge, it's really sad schizophrenia promoted me to became more insane and suicidal means I will not mind losing something in life sometimes, it may become okay that I Loss Aby(Shahridah) and Wahdiah if they are too late or slow from my life, means they never contact me exist a period of pain they are the one that gave it to me due to no effort to keep in touch and no effort to hang on, if it happens, it's the end of such thing, but when I remember about Wahdiah in a wedding looking wear and Shahridah have Mdm as status, maybe they are really gone from my life long time ago, I repeatedly wrote this but no one helping me want to confirm with me the real situation or answer, it's too bad I kept feeling at loss in life, and nobody helps me at all.
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