I remember it was last year that I was using computer to blog. It's really crazy now is the month of April everything feels so fast. I remember when I was schizophrenic I thought I'm a soldier then I thought I will become a Soldier this year when I am no longer schizophrenic but taking medicines. It's harsh I turn out just as a Dishwasher but working my ass for $1600/mth then thinking if I can really do this. It ever happened that I didn't receive my salary in the past then I'm turned to this same jobplace for the 3rd or 4th time my memory is like that.
I really don't know why in my memories having Ustaz and Dr that will plan to work as Dishwasher here as undercover, I wonder who's the mastermind in this workplace, just living up the fun of working to be very adventurous and to keep working here, especially it's hopefully World War then I can have reasons to talk to doctor about Sakinah, I feel doctor as an enemy to me now b.t.w due to my memory loss and keep working at same location then I worry again in my heart if I will get my money in the past I previously have worked here, then the same trouble happens like I didnt go to work on PH and Friday, means I've missed 2 times already. It's just a panic feeling in my heart.
I don't really know who reads me, it's really bad people give me an unknown level of attention if it's important people that are readers or not.
Anyway due to having alot of adopted parents, I shared Mdm Halimah Yacob's post about Al-Aqsa then hopefully someone of a high status reads my facebook and do something about it, then I saw the news that Al-Aqsa had been reopened and my post was unnecessary anyway, I just feel that someone maybe able to help her reach her wish.
I feel like I remember her when I was primary school, she was a cleaner but then my memories could just be a dream still, so I don't know, she's the only energy to be working from nothing(right now im Dishwasher) to become something of a higher status.
I really don't know the feeling of using computer made me energized to keep working again, I really want to do well but I really don't know why the feelings are like this. It's really heavy, I smoke storm king now so its very little tobacco daily I hope they give me my money, it's really a crazy anger feeling that they can put me into schizophrenia just by making anger, it causes memory loss and weakens my memory, I don't know why they're heartless by doing such thing, my peace definitely is hard to grasp.
I really don't know what to do for peace, zikir doesn't help me even if my heart feels like buying the books to read daily when going home from bus, just to zikir everyday inside bus, I really don't know if I really have the energy to become like a normal person.
I don't know why my friends like Izzuddin, Sadiq, Razli didn't contact me anymore, its my schizophrenic behaviour caused me to lose people and not having friends anymore, it's also due to story of Alysha if I'm with my friends I would imagine them having sex with my ex-girlfriend Aby, reality is really like that, are they(Wahdiah and Shahridah) really my ex like a silent-break happens because too long not in touch with each other?
I'm angry story of doctor don't match that I work at Popeyes again and gain another adopted father that will buy me a Legion 2, it didn't happen and I wonder why I hear all that stories.
My mother and Dina went to NTUC today using my EZ-link, energized me to quit working a lot more because of the lesser amount left, I really don't know what to do, the fear in my heart is painful that's been installed inside me with all these plans on me, I hope a trapped feeling doesn't happen or else I will just quit the job without informing anyone.
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