Saturday Silence

It's really a tough life, yesterday I remembered about doctor saying I will save $5K this year, I'm hoping it's this job that I will stay on, I really don't know, he said my energy is it feels close to Sakinah when I work here is why I'm going to work, it's really sad like just hoping to be close to someone then just working 4 hours is something nice feeling because it's short hours. I imagine at CleanMark if 4 hours its until 5.30p.m, it's really fast kind of feelings. The feeling when thinking of CleanMark is bad, I really lost a lot of money working there I feel, my hard work became only $7/hr kind of thing, it's really crazy.

Yesterday I was energized when thinking of doctor saying I will save money, the envelope information is like the key to the real future of my life, it means I will attempt to save $5K this year, I'm really happy the pain of schizophrenia is ending, I'm finally becoming someone useful and earning money, I really don't want to remain as a poor person, it's really heavy life and it's weird everyone is fine about my life.

I think I will start to not care why people don't care like people will only understand if treated the same, if having something then to let 1 suffer I think it's bad. I hope my children will become rich from me instead of a tough life like me, I want to become like Cristiano Ronaldo that's a tough life at first then suddenly so rich for own children to be happy, it's really fun if I can become so rich, I really don't want my future children to experience the same as me, it's a tough life, soulmate ignored, no guarantees of a soulmate's mind understood u, schizophrenia, heat, voices on repeat, demoralizing sentences loudest in life, heartache, mental torture, poor strength and life, penalized for quitting work but still work through the same recommender, with skills and knowledge of hacking but grow up earning $0 from it not like stories of people that government will employ us, illusion of peace, hearing voices, dark vision if walk too much for calmness becomes unstable, anhedonia, a lot of sadness, pretend and goal for true happiness.

I know I can only try to work hard this coming job offer, I can only hope I don't end up quitting and doctor is right about saving $5K and it's the end of my life's pain, I think I will plan to work here every weekend next year when I school to keep earning money, it's really a heavy life experience I have to go through. Attention are unknown if real or made up too, as it can become only 1 or 2 readers(viewers) only, the appearance of someone reading is somehow quite immediate it feels robotic(a bot or not) that is viewing my page, it's just too fast not a slow grow but sometimes it's like that the numbers crawl up slowly.