I really miss missing Sakinah, like I wrote this blog because of her especially and to update my recovery status for those who cares, but it seems like no one cares, just too bad for me. My plan of chancing that Sakinah reads is like low percentage because even my ex-classmate don't read me I think, so it's harsh, I wish she google her name or something then appear my blog, but then luckily I remembered that I ever told her I love her since long time ago, when I started this blog I didn't remember at all, it was cruelty and torturous that my family let me kept thinking of her without reminding me that they will try to help, it's horrible nightmare then luckily I thought I was in a nightmare dreaming from a coma of many years. In the coma I imagine I was fed small sizes of food to enter my throat that I understand the pleasure of the entire food 1 day. I really thought I was in a coma from boat accident during primary school trip to other countries, means I ever dreamt of accident of boat that 1 boat comes from the right and clash the boat I'm in. It's weird nightmare to mixed with reality as something realistic. I thought the pain of schizophrenia is from resting at boat too long causing me bad pain at my back body and legs, the pain exist like a "press" to my body for a long time it becomes a pain. I still sometimes wonder if this is reality that people make me work instead of giving me money, because I haven't truly focus on medication as the main plan. It's really hard and they do this to me, I feel tortured and reality as something inevitable even if they are judged as enemies by me for many years due to schizophrenia, the treatment they give is still nothing special but a normal daily food at home, but I heard it's like that true life of others that it's the same, but definitely will be given money but then I know my neighbour also have a son of my age and treated the same way, I wonder why her son don't feel tortured, it's like we just have to live life like this, it's so heavy without money, where do they worry our money goes to if not stomach only?
I don't know if my neighbour have started work, but I know he will be taking O level with me, I hope it's true like finally I will have a friend, someone that understand that even if I have tattoo, I'm not a gangster and going through tattoo removal plan in life, means I decide to become normal people that buys normal stuff instead of my primary and secondary days everything branded and expensive.
I just now under block saw another of my neighbour maybe celebrating the Good Friday and the one schizophrenic still looks stable like an unknown schizophrenic, if me I look like an insane person maybe? I think I'm a little crazy like Alysha due to doctor saying I'm 2nd Highest Potential Mastermind after the Dajjal, it means I can become like an evil person like Alysha too, I just choose this way of life now to become brandless type of man, who goals for high scores in education. It's really heavy my goal I remember my aunt just tell me to work hard despite memory loss, it's sad but I don't know if she really understand how I feel, after scoring always 100% suddenly I drop to normal, it's sad like that, I hope my family and relatives pity me about it and give me reward money 1 day, like a present or gift for studying well in school, like did not waste their $3000 for N level.
I remember 1 story of Wali Allah if I marry a girl by molesting, my children will become soldiers of Israel, 1 became Christian into Jew, then 2 became Jews. It's really harsh my life, they will become strongest kicks soldiers in Israel that nobody can beat, that's the story of my strength maybe I secretly have 1 day, it made me believe doctor more that I am future right hand man of Imam Mahdi, someone that will remove tattoo and becoming a pious man. The wear of Ayatul Kursi necklace is already a sign of true devotion to Islamic Teachings, I think, because people would wear artistic accessories or gold, but I became like this instead. I still have crave for gold ring and watch to wear and resell in future, just a gold colour that even if imitation I won't mind, but then luckily I work dishwasher can't really wear a ring or watch, haha.
I hope Sakinah pity me for today's panic, she could just msg me to tell me I don't have work because Public Holiday but risked me going to workplace anyway and see it's Holiday. It sucks like this, she really becoming like my parents' ruling to me, it's torturous but it means maybe my parents don't care something about me, about my feelings, is why the same like Sakinah didn't accept my love, something is just missing from the perfect life of my vision and understanding. They just won't give them to me the happiness I wanted, it's too bad the torture need to be felt, without they realizing they are torturing and making me in deeper pain every day, it's harsh that I have to cope like an understanding person, it means even if I have schizophrenia I have to be understanding too, it's weird they are stupid in this sense not understanding schizophrenia is a mental sickness that need the craves settled to not feel the pain.
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