Weakling Man

It's just 8 months to go then I still am feeling like a survival, I worry that I can't cope with this job, I really want to be sticking to only 1 job then I still get no answers from doctors, they just making me try, schizophrenia is mental sickness with heart pain maybe, that's why it's like that? Why when the O.T said that the place will be busy CBD place then I feel like I can't work there but I want to try anyway? Will I stay long at the place? I really have no confident at all of how long I will stay there, but doctor saying "3 months" feels like just to make me work for 1 week, something like that, I don't know why but just getting $200+ for real? Schizophrenia created me poor and sad life like a lot of heat, an ambitious for a government care like a sports school for fitness and even making me think "if everything is painful" I should be cared and recruited into a place that can make me healthier, i thought I would get physio level of care too, I thought something wrong with my bones too. I don't know how long I will work, then what is October about? What will I work as in October this year?

I washed my left wireless earbud just now because I saw it is waterproof then it became like spoilt instead, I really not sure what happened, will it spoil or not? I am now using on the right side to browse TikTok. "Crow Yuzree" made me feel like "we meant everything we said/speak" because he made a toy car business for real then drinkz stall, he really achieved to become a businessman, for me what's real like I really will take O/A level next 2 years? Why can't I have a lot of rest time if I'm taking O/A level, maybe I need to work and save money first, my money is so little only $466+ in bank, I need to survive until August, then if this job really make me $200+ I still think I will survive until August, the point is will I enter ward again or will I see July outside now? It's really hard schizophrenia is quite unpredictable, I really just have to stay strong until 38 years old happens to me where doctor have ever said that I will recover at this age, I really am quite excited but the road to 38 exist worry instead like this job if I will be strong to work, it's really like a crashing a job for money, it feels really "falling" into the job instead of "going for the job", it feels like a fall to do it, it's weird and quite worrying for me. I don't know people will maybe think it's common sense to let me work, but then psychic ever said that I will quit smoking, I hope this time is the time for it, it's really a long way and long feeling, I really want to be successful in quitting cigarette and I want this time to be the real time.

So when I think, I plan to do O level, then A level then Psychology Degree, it's only 3rd year the start of Psychology, starting from next year, then this means this year I need to earn and save a lot of money or else I'm dead like a poor man even if 38 years old next year, 1 year finishes quite fast I really feel like I should do something else, "saving money" made me energetic to keep working at this location 1 day, so I really don't know, the first day is a trial so it's an unpaid work, but I think if I continue working then I still will be paid anyway, it's really weird and scary feeling I really want to be healthy and earn money, the rules of no money in my family made me can't find a wife at all, I'm a loner even at this age. If they give me money to spend I would've saved and try myself for a girl but they didn't let such thing happen to me, it's like a fixation of poor life to be felt due to schizophrenia making me hard to work so I can't earn, it's quite an angry feeling and like terrifying to be thought of as a torture but doctors knew and don't mind such thing, it's like a funny life my life, meant to be weakling for so many years.