I realize like I want attention from blogging and I can't have it, I don't know what's the goal of reading my blog, but it's a boring daily writing when I'm bored. My Spotify can be found by user "Muhammad Anas Khairulnizam" for my playlist I think, it's really long name, or if "anasqai" exist, people can just listen to the same songs I hear, I add Sakinah's Mix to library because in my memory like I want to get to know her, like knowing what kind of music she listens to, but it could just be her hobby making a playlist then I happen to passby her life on Spotify, it's been so many years this exist I remember but then I havent used android since old times, it really sucks my life with schizophrenia, I kept buying the same thing repeatedly maybe causing my family not to give me money, it's really bad but I think of saving money this time hopefully I am successful this time. I really want to have a nice life but I'm anhedonic, everything becomes dull and boring, I need a pace like blogging that I can do it daily when I am bored, I am listening to Zikir Istighfar now as my Spotify have it on playlist, I hope it energize me into becoming what I want to become, I really don't want to be a bad person in life in the end.
I saw my platoon mate "Crow Yuzree" on Facebook, now became successful and really making drinks business like he ever said in N.S at that time he wanted to make a drinks business, he got O and A level inside prison and now speaking English in his videos, he became a changed person then I still don't have O and A level yet, he's 1 of my energy of growth that I can also become like him, he did his dream: Making drinks biz, then I also have a dream of making a cybercafe. I saw that a computer can cost $200 nowadays and a monitor is $70 cheapest, then making a cybercafe became very cheap now.
The imagination of a hacker job is still in my heart and like locked in my mind as long as I take medicine I will remember that I am a hacker, I don't know why the hearsay that "government employ hackers with big salary" didn't happen to me, doctor said that I am top hacker in the world but I am jobless doing only these kind of jobs that I have written or told.
I am upset how people only make me believe of things like doa, zikir, baca surah then it didn't happen or work out peacefully for me, then the weird thing is they practice it themselves(example my mother daily zikir) then it means they believe such thing, but why I require medicine then? It's maybe sad for me that I really think I need medicine while my mother would say Allah boleh sembuhkan kalau Allah hendak, then it's sad that she actually don't really support that I don't take medicine anyway, macam dua jalan to think about, but I became needing the medicine I guess. It's harsh how I am healing then working next week it's too early I guess, I should experiment 1 year of freedom but it didn't happen, I am stuck like a "do or guilty" thing, I feel bad if I don't try working anyway, that's why I like doctor's psychic answers, I really want knowledge and information of my future but doctors don't talk about such thing often. Sakinah is so lucky to have doctors attending to her everyday maybe, her fall from schizophrenia 1 day will be enough time to catch(not really fall but falling sick, haha), she can ask doctors psychic questions but I guess she didn't try, maybe because have no bond feelings with doctor while doctor regard me as their adopted child.
I am so bored it's almost 1 year doctor didn't give me psychic answers anymore or maybe he won't tell me if I would remember it, maybe he only tell me when I would lose memory about it? Then I became guessing what's real + additional confusion created by Alysha if not it would be smoother information, life is not really like this but my luck is to take this life's pain like this.
It's not a nice feeling thinking of my life, I lost so many things from losing memories and decide things abruptly losing assets(like wireless earbuds) from my life not remembering where or how it's gone from my life, I remember this is the 2nd time I bought it but then it could still be the 3rd time due to memory loss.
I have 8 more months until it's time for O level, how much will I grow within this 8 months of my life?
My time in life growing moments is only when I'm reaching 38 years old I became more aware of my surrounding, it means I was ever insane/psycho because I didn't take the antipsychotic medications, that's why tak sedar diri and thought it's only 1 year my 21 years of life loss. My mother being 70 and my father 73, but they still choose that I go to work, like not thinking of nicer life that I am at home, means I really think I am made to spend time with my families because they are growing old but doctor said that their death will be 100+ years old anyway, that they will have the chance to see grandchildren from me and great grandchildren too. I remember tanda kiamat besar should be when Mufti Menk dies that "a lot of people will be sad about" because he's like the most famous Islam left then the others are boring talks most of the time, if I remember correctly doctor said that he will die at 70+ years old.
My memories are not good, because I sometimes hear voices of small girl, then I mix up the information, I really like such stories from doctor, those are examples why I like to listen to doctors.
I haven't check my ez-link yet for the transport money if I still have enough to last to ask my mother again, I wish I can work normally like others but it's just a bad feeling most of the time, I really don't know what to do with myself, I'm becoming a useless person as fact, because if I take O level I would be saving from my pocket money instead, it's really bad but I have to understand life as really like this, and I am experiencing it for real even if it takes 1 year straight I will experience it 1 year straight from my parents, they are not being merciful to me at all, I really don't know how to change their mind to make my life lighter.
I am now at a story phase that's life-changing moment but I still feel the same like no growth at all, I wonder how my O level will be, I will really study hard, then after school I will meet R and go home straight to rest because I need to focus on school, losing contact becomes a no fear thing because it's been so many years losing contact with others as well.
As I listen to the music, it's really like a lifestyle changing because I am remembering my old days I supposedly love music a lot then it decreased into listening to nothing most of the time because of the heartache music made me feel, I would feel hot and insane sometimes from listening to music that I thought it's voltages being pushed to my body from the soundwave, it's really bad, about the word I created: "Suntricity".
I wonder what will happen to me just 8 months to change into a schoolboy lifestyle next year, I hope I don't become so poor like C.o.C special limits, I feel so stupid and poor, my mind just can't function nicely or properly, I became dumb and pretending normal most of the time, I kept hearing voices thats like 24/7 and thinking powers exist, like a supernatural power, then I wanted to learn supernaturally. The semangat was very funny too.
I hope Sakinah saw my life, how much I had suffered that she would maybe pity me but it's so 1 sided, I'm the only one trying to communicate by writing and she's just working hard in life, life is like meaningless if it's always work anyway but she living her life like that.
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