Still can't remember

What would I do? Would I work for months? Why nobody is helping me by telling me to psychic about my job worries, I will end up working 1 day 3 days 6 days is what I hear this time then I hear 3 months, wow I really hope I last for months, it's Alysha's or doctor's voice? It's really hard to distinguish, why do I have a sickness that hears voices? It's really crazy and super sad thing to happen. Why people that hear voices(schizophrenia) all think they were Jesus/Wife of Jesus? Why does such thing happen to us why the voices lie until repetition like it starts to make sense when I read that Muslim "dianiaya" then I thought the heat I "dianiaya" orang, then I thought darjat becomes higher and higher everytime I feel hot, then people don't pity me by what I feel to let me continue living my life like this, they really can't do anything about the feeling but they can give me nice stuff like food or items. My brother gave me 1 pants, 1 cargo jeans knee pants, 1 black cargo pants, 3 t-shirts, I think I have said before, but the feeling is real like it's real understanding of schizophrenia, people with schizophrenia nak diri rasa lengkap dengan barang but then fear of not using them, so need to plan like going out to wear them, it's really harsh this schizophrenia, why am I a doctor first when Wahdiah will schizophrenia? It's 4 or 4 years from now? I really become a doctor like wish of Wahdiah? A person that loves me accepts whatever I become due to schizophrenia, I feel it should be that way, if imagine a doctor it's too high, I really don't think I can be suitable for Wahdiah unless she love me.

I feel irritated like stress and rushy, it's maybe due to too little cigarette, but I tried my best. I used the $5 CDC vouchers to buy 5 redbulls spending 50 cents away, it's really weird feeling like I will be okay and not okay during my job next week, I imagine myself quitting but why I hear doctor saying 3 months? Could it be voice of Alysha? Then what about the other doctor that said that I will bring back $1400 my first month working? What work is it?

I have no one thinking with me, the loneliness is high and great, I feel like wanting a lot of money suddenly to go Masjid every Sunday, but I can just ask from my mother for transport money, it's really madness, I want the recovery state of myself and not the "in pain/sick" version of myself, I endured my life without support or they just created themselves invisible that I don't see the pleasure of receiving help, it's too harsh but they do such thing, I really don't know why this happens to me. The stresses are real about jobs, it's like doctor saying I will become manager of CleanMark solution but then the 3 months could be the same as that, it could be only 1 day or some hours only? It's really crazy I wish for support but there's no support at all, I have to work myself and live my life then only imagine someone started to pity me for the time I have loss in life, they really don't care if I die too, it's harsh but reality is really like that, they seem to feel like I will be alive for a long time instead of imagining death then help me greatly. I really have to go through this survival life which I hate, then the thinking of world war makes me energetic to work again but it's only awhile, anhedonia had killed the energy.

It's going to be May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, wow the time really feels so short, then nobody discuss with me things like if they will accompany me in life June onwards, I'm left alone for the feeling of 17 years but then it's like a 1 year in my memory as it's within the 21 years, I am let to keep growing having nothing in life, why is the suffering like this the panic of my heart and the urgency feelings became so strong? Why is it like this? I don't know how long I will last in this job, it's like a critical moment of my life then I need to work hard but I experience these voices that nobody tells my O.T, it's like a panic feeling like "a requirement to do" "or else" kind of feelings, I don't feel good at all, like a child tortured and tantrum feelings in my heart.

I have 21 viewers my previous post, I don't know what's the total number of people viewing as fact, I hope they are doctors but they really made me even type like this and ignore me.