Imagining Lifestyle

It's daily at home like worker type of people daily at work, but they get to wear nice clothes, I kept being tempted at TikTok to buy stuff to replace cigarettes that I bought, to feel having more in life but I am not allowed to go out for a girlfriend anyway, schizophrenia maybe caused me sick like this, I won't have a partner in life most probably despite whatever doctor have said, I really feel like I will become a single man entire life. I am not energetic to keep working like how I thought jobclub would give me nice jobs to work, it's really difficult and I think I will last for 1 week only at work? I really don't know, it's not even 6 months? Why is it like that? I really want to last so long as I remember words of doctor it's like about this job, then I only go "to try" working hard? Why is my life like this? Why can't I stay on 1 job?

When is the soldier job anyway? I really want to become a soldier if I can't become a hacker or psychologist, it's really my desire to be strong but then when I think again, I am still weak from pain of lovesick but nobody made me stronger they let a man weak without love on purpose.

I don't know why I'm working if I'm going to quit, it's really sad like earning so little if I quit because of penalty, I really don't know what to do like just going with the flow, I think positively about the jobs they gave me but the penalty is so high I loss so much money, it's weird like a job-application money to register for the job by paying money instead, the penalty.

Today I plan to go Civic Centre but I'm so lazy to walk, I already eaten jemput2 cucur manis anyway, I'm so angry being a smoker but the symptom of quitting is so painful, I wonder what can help me get through this pain, I loss memory that I have q.s inhaler a few times yesterday and today too, then I roll tobacco 1 piece of paper length, short than usual 2.

My recovery like not happening because of the feelings that I will quit this job, "to help" me is said as by demoralizing that I will work because the pay is so low if continue working, then it's 6 days, something like that Alysha's story, I really don't know but it's her voice, why I become a job hopper or quitter kind of life? People can work so hard and I can quit so easily, maybe the job don't match me at all? How come Mdm Halimah Yacob can cope from cleaner into studying Law? It's really hard for me to imagine coping as this dish-collector to last until October will I last that long at all? It feels like I will quit due to energy shifted to words of Alysha as something that makes sense instead, then why I am going to work instead of not starting at all? It's really hard my work plan, it's like I cannot make it at all. I remember like I will have the shoes to work, using dishwasher shoe then will last a long time, but I really don't know, there's another sentence of voice is 6 days banyak Kali jadi $800, but I know it's the penalty that will cause $200+ I think. Doctor said that I will work 1 week maybe? I really hope not though, I just need money but it's like this kind of tough feelings.

Maybe I will work Popeyes after all? Nobody comfort me about this panic and mind stress feelings I get thinking and hearing voices on repeat, there's no guide at all "but to try" and see for myself instead, it's really bad but life really pushed me to feel all these pain.