Weird feelings

Don't know if I will work hard next week, it's a job that sounds easy, definitely a lot of bending to put plates and throw leftovers, I really hope I can do it well though, its really tough in my mind if I can last for months or if i will last for months, I don't know why some jobs I can last for 8 hours but nowadays it became harder for me to work lesser hour, it's maybe a continuous hardwork, so I really don't know.

Just now I remember doctor talking about October and I forgot the matter but I know it's related to the word "work", I hope I last this job until October. I really plan to work hard and will think it's a waste if quit, I remember R saying it but I don't know if it's a dream, or doctor was around telling her I would work at Amoy Street, it's really bad my memory and mixture of good too because of scoring 100% all subject in exam, it's just weird my memory, working hard is something big to perform, it's a focus on school next year, and this time it's a focus on quitting cigarette, to remember my Aunt telling me to "work hard", despite what happened. I hope I really can become a psychologist, a psychic that can capture the heart of Sakinah, it's really sad she knew my love but didn't give me a lightness to get her at all, true love should impact greatly like the movies but her heart didn't move Abit to love me, it's sad like that. I know 1 day she would understand schizophrenia by becoming a schizophrenic herself, then I would feel peaceful because she will know I truly love her and it's not schizophrenia that created me delusional, it's maybe the fear of losing her my entire life that I thought as God will give her to me, something like that.

Today I cook Jemput2 Cucur Manis instead of going to A.T.M to take out money for chicken chop with tomato rice.

Today also my wireless earbud is on the way to my home, I'm truly happy about the future feeling what I should have felt in the past but my father didn't give me money anymore, I bought android myself from government money, then it's only last year or 2 years ago, then finally I get to use Spotify like how life should have been. I started to feel serious like not needing Sakinah maybe because the point is to become a psychologist, so I am mentally strong. I really hope Sakinah's playlist have a song about me but I really don't know, it's really sad like that the love story impact doesn't happen for me like a white magic getting involved to secure my love of my life, I really have to effort and wait for so many years in pain, it's nothing easy and it's really difficult with schizophrenia with me that I kept losing memory, then she didn't appear to make me happy too, I'm sad but i need her comfort and she can't be around for me. Why is love like this?

I don't know why she let me suffer in life, I can't adjust to forgive her because it's something important and high level urgency like an S.O.S to be a love story with her, but she ignored me like a pest maybe? It's really sad I can't recover from this unless she's around, then she let me be in pain no matter how much I have tried, my post is becoming 800 posts and still she don't care about me.