What to do with Diary as have Journal now?

I'm planning to work hard, I really hope I can do this, at Maxwell M.R.T it will be many times reaching Marina Bay M.R.T so close my working place to there, I really will try my best, it's like I ever here before too is the sad thing then I quit, deciding it to be my permanent place "in future"(now, soon), so it's many times that jobclub given me the same places, it's really crazy even if I ever failed they really send me to the same location, if 2018 I didn't go jobclub it means it's been earlier than 2018 that it happened, it's really weird doctor didn't contact me too to congratulate me that I will work for more than 6 months here, I hope it's like that, it's only 4 hours I really must do this job, I hope someone accompany me at workplace, it's only 4 hours, they can jalan2 Marina Bay first or something, haha.

If I remember correctly this year is the year Epul will give me $1000 and a computer, + we will be going to Johor once R.T.S Link opens, but I don't know if he remembers me at all as fact, it would be a long time ago kind of friendship, the thing is story of doctor that he will surrender to CNB one day because he's becoming a practice-target to chase something like that, means he don't want to be chased for the lighter sentence of 2 years. It's really crazy doctors knew this kind of stuff in my life first, but I still hope that I meet him anyway, it's about my feelings like N.S been only 1 year ago instead of 20 years due to memory loss. It's really harsh this schizophrenia made me loss memory for so long, the anger and happiness is a crazy feeling I think it's what people say "out of my mind"(my eyes becomes white from the either 2 feelings if it's too strong), it's really bad.

I remember Epul saying that doctor say I will become Wali Allah 1 day at 38 years old, it's the same information, the point is "when is it?", I really want to be the first Sakinah sees when she have schizophrenia, it would be scary feeling thinking of insanity, then I want to be around to comfort her the voices I would believe her if nobody believes, I heard a shouting voice "Ape je!" Like low, it's like to demoralize my happiness writing about Sakinah's future sickness that doctor knew. I really want to be around for her, when schizophrenic people become antisocial and actually not that "don't want any friends", it just feel better sometimes like that but it would feel better to have someone by our side supporting our difficult moments, the belief is too mix up and horrible during schizophrenia that having no one becomes okay, because the schizophrenic person usually don't want to feel/do something to someone else during such feelings that exist, like a Satan lied of "the end of pain", it's like one time I wanted to Punch my father then I was warded into I.M.H, my father punched my backhead multiple times and I became in pain. I thought my father put a torch lighter outside my wall to burn me from top of ceiling, it feels so hot in my room that it's like a burning pain, then I feel tortured having no money like why I am his son if he don't want to care my life? I even thought I am Dajjal, God, Prophet, Jesus(after death of a Man 1 day), Imam Mahdi, the voices really made me insane, then I read that all schizophrenia believe such thing, for a girl it's different they will think they are wife of Jesus 1 day, so I hope Sakinah don't think of me as insane, it's just that as schizophrenic, we want to be entering Heaven so wanting high Status and we also want Respect, so we want whatever names that is high status. I even thought I am Imam Ghazali, Syafie'e etc. I hope Imam Mahdi helps me about the voices that I hear, it's really bad.

I remember doctor saying Sakinah will hear voices about "Jealousy", then she will be in pain, like someone want me and she(Sakinah) didn't accept me so it's supposed to be that she's(Sakinah) too late for me, then the girl want Sakinah to get out of my life, she will hear a girl's voice. I really believe doctor for all the interesting stories I don't know why I believe a psychic, but then Islam's teaching that believing something is syirik, but then I think my doctor are real psychics, sometimes, sometimes I believe they plan the future to occur "in a manner" like they are psychic too. Now I remember that Strait of Hormuz was ever mentioned by a doctor that it will be closed by Iran and the oil price will increase, it's the estimation of "if Iran War with US-Israel" or they(doctor) are just psychics, I hope they tell me more stories but then sometimes I became too happy I will lose memory, then it actually happens only when I eat a lot of medicine then or else the doctors will have nothing to speak to me anyway, I wonder why if they are psychic then they don't entertain my heart wanting the comfort so I want information of life. I hope doctor just message me things about future and my dreams sometimes, it's really crazy the feeling, especially becoming understanding that smoking is hard to quit.

It's weird the feelings of "if I have friends", even after writing such, they are all far away from me and didn't try to get closer to me, are they married or what? I wonder. Just daily messaging common sense like "amacam?" Haha, it means "how's life?"(Work, Marriage etc.), then I guess they don't want to talk common sense. People don't miss me it seems like that, I wonder why.