I hope like I dream things that's supernatural but I think I ever read Yassin then it's still the same, I'm someone unlucky about supernatural stuff, I really want to understand that "power of God" exist like Ustaz would read Ayatul Kursi, it's really difficult for me to understand why people read when it's actually the same in the end. It's weird the voices didn't become scaring me at night when I hear it, it's supposed to be like a scary feeling started but then I still hear the same thing "6 hari kerje 200 doler", I'm sad if I really work only 6 days and get $200+ in this job, sometimes psychic tells what happen I assume then this makes it like believable? Why is it like this, will I be working here for a long time? Why would I read Yassin everyday in M.R.T otw to Maxwell workplace then? Doctor said that I would read every morning, if it's true I'm becoming like that I really hope I work for months instead of days.
I hope the suicidal feelings goes away on 11th May because of change of medicine then anhedonia cant kill me already, it's really sad like doctor saying I will become psychologist but I'm suicidal, it's like doctors are lying instead, why it's such a big difference? Why I hear voices about Ustaz Harun giving me a job to make website of Masjid, maybe it's Alysha's lies too? Because he no longer work at Masjid Tentera Di-Raja making me suspect Alysha. I began to have imagination of the website that all to standardize as the same, I imagine the top area to be picture of masjid, then "Homepage"(Home), etc. until "Contact Us" kind of links, using iframe to design the website, the voices made me ambitious but then it's okay not Ustaz Harun's fault like I thought I am Johnny Cage, Hang Tuah, Green Ranger, White Ranger when I'm schizophrenic, it's really harsh the schizophrenia making me imagine I am so strong like that, and that Power Ranger as real instead of an act, it's hard I am surviving with schizophrenia then a liar(Alysha) appears to play with my mind, only if she just shut up and decide not to play with my mind I would've been fine and healthier I think, it's really like a madness feeling, it's really heavy to be like this.
When I have schizophrenia I thought I am a bomb maker, sodium and water = explosion, I thought it's like that the ingredient for a grenade, so if a filled metal with water to drop abit of sodium, then an explosion will happen, hahaha I don't know where I got such science maybe at YouTube I mistaken Uranium as Sodium instead, it's like Lithium will fire up in water, the effect of Sodium is explosion instead, then I really don't know if I'm correct at all because videos could be lies. I thought I'm Power Ranger like that using tiny balls as bomb to attack the massive quantity of enemies.
It's crazy how someone like me to be in love it's hard to believe about my love, it's hard to believe that I am sane too I think, I am maybe seen as a bit insane or crazy by others, just mentally unstable maybe, it's really sad my behaviour really unstable? Then why people treat me normal then? Why they don't pity that I have schizophrenia and suggest my parents to support me by money?
I really hate talking about money it happens so many times easily, I just hope I get to grow up from this coming job, it's really easy 4hours 15mins daily and I must do this I think, it's not something that always happens to get a job so light number of hours, I really hope it's just throwing of leftover into rubbish bin and stacking plates until trolley full to give to dishwasher, I really want an easy job that keeps me continuously earning money.
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