Awake @ 1a.m

Went to shop to get storm king and redbull, I just desire the nostalgic feelings of being outdoor, the recovery feelings I missed it a lot, I having thoughts of buying a laptop but I think of just saving my money, if I have it I will feel complete about my life but I still don't understand why my parents are like this, like not buying me laptop or computer anymore, it's really boring my life, I've been trying to live like other poor families instead, it's schizophrenia causing me pain then pleasure eases it but they decrease them from my life, if I have a counsellor I wonder what can counsellor do for me, like set-up a "using computer schedule" per day? Computer is only at my brother's room as it's his, then by right if have own computer will be nice feelings.

Computer:

1. website making, old hobbies like this will be nice feelings especially for my future plans in life like ghost hunting.

2. Blogging will be fun as it's using computers.

3. Maybe there's a karaoke application on computer which is bigger screen but then television have Android and karaoke is like free already just need microphone.

At the moment this are the only things I can think of, maybe I will use android like Zoe Lim about Star Maker application, doctor is right that there's this karaoke application that I would use or download, doctor didn't tell me when I will start using it but I'm fine I guess like lesser knowledge of my life been their desire even during my recovery phase or moment, it's disappointing but doctors are the ones with the skills of knowing future, then I can't take advantage like knowing mine like a double confirmation or be reminded of my future. It also seems like I will really do my O level when I imagine "Crow Yuzree", who wrote his own book and living his life like his master plan, whatever he told during N.S he really did them all and became famous and popular. I'm lagging behind but he's a Yellow Ribbon so the difference just like that, but success is the main thing and he ever worked at Law Firm and have driving license, so he's luckier in life despite his prison records and experience.

I really don't know what to do why I'm usually lagged behind most people in life, why in family im weak and don't have the strength to work like my Uncle can work Seaman like my father last time, then my Aunt a Teacher last time, then me? I'm the most unsuccessful one in the family tree, why am I so weak but then why do I have no support as well?

At the moment I feel like buying stuff at TikTok, Lazada, Shopee etc. Money is pleasure in life and at the moment I have some money, but I most probably will save them up for lifestyle needs, I still haven't really spent on McDonalds such thing.

Anyway I'm going to stop the countdown today/tomorrow because it's not 35 days until 30th June but there's mores days left means I miscalculated in my countdown maybe? But then it's supposed to be 365 days until 1 year so maybe I calculated correctly so nevermind then maybe? Today the voices don't really appear when I walk around, it's like a silent high frequency sound of silence exist, but the voices exist too, then it just means I'm in silence listening to voices, my mind just still schizophrenic a little like wander off into focusing on the voices even if I took my medicine, I wonder what kind of help I can get from others, there's really no effort to help me like a counsellor.

If there's a counsellor, I really want them to help me in matters of understanding that it's hard to work kind of feeling, talking to my parents about giving me money, asking my parents for support daily like it's school time giving money on week days or special amount on weekends to have more in life, then I have no counsellor for years and nobody helping my life, I just blog with unknowing attention to my blog that could be teenagers randomly from TikTok or Instagram that browse and decided to stick around my blog as reader, a blog may gain fans then because I'm a mental sickness, I may gain constant reader due to interesting feelings in my writings.

I feel like doing Artwork and drawing of T-Shirt printing business to biz like Schizophrenia N.Y.C that sells clothes as business, Americans really makes money even if schizophrenic and looks more messy than me, they even have popularity like going to talks and say a speech in front of people, like a famous figure, then I'm unsuccessful person. I wonder what I can do in life, I feel like doing a Black and White drawing of T-Shirt as business, my ideas are always a lot then don't know if any of it is great, I wonder why no members of my family or relatives do business, life is boring like we don't have a billionaire in family, if not our life would be easy, I wonder what to do so my families and relatives can feel like a billionaire, I don't want people to not give money to difficult life like mine that's a family member, it's really sad the discipline method is painful like gaying a person up, I'm so weak even if have tattoos, I will have to tell that it's a "scary" feeling hopeful for a counsellor to appear in my life and help me, how can a man tell he's feeling scared? It's like humiliation. Then my family didn't pity me about it.

What symptom of schizophrenia they know about and caring me about, isn't way of my mother's care is like Dina is neglected and then Alysha got to bully her when she was a toddler? It's so unfair, so unlucky don't have evidence but luckily it's not a level of pain like having evidence whenever Dina cries. I pity Dina but she's 19 now, in her young days, after Alysha made cries daily, it would be seeing her mother scolding her, it's really sad but doctor said it will be painful for me if to keep seeing Dina cry after bad care of my mother and leaving to Alysha, that was trusted then an evil mastermind at young age.

Isn't lack of happiness feelings of experience a sign of neglection? Maybe I should really run away after A level or O level, maybe PSEA can survive me to keep me educated, it's really tough they don't care about getting Sakinah for me and they dont see 38 as an old age of "suffering if don't get a lover", they just let me be schizophrenic and my mother talks on the phone most of the time with her friend, her life really just save money and talk to friends, then cook and sweep mop floor and do laundry, she's 70 years old but then not supporting me in life and let me grow from N.S a difficult life.

I'm just living like a hypocrite unhappy about my parents way of care without money and then still be nice to them in front of them, it's really useless a schizophrenic have to be more understanding than a non-schizophrenic then experience this kind of pain in life. I wonder how to match doctor's words that I will be soldier during my A level, I really want to become someone that's able to work and earn for myself, I don't want to be a poor man. Life's hard I really need to buck up.