Ease

Just writing as it's too silent, after my last post no doctors call me up haha. The ease from stress is a lot because of jobclub's money, it made me happy and feeling of "I'm able to survive this difficult period", I really feel happy about it. The days of life with medicines daily, there's no other support in life except the payment for medicine, then usual food giving then that's it, I don't know why they feel it's okay but it's like true that no doctors siding me about this.

I feel happy and unhappy at the same time, because my survival relies on my brother's $1200 especially, if not I would have been deadmeat, like no life kind of anger in my heart.

Anyway I applied for NDP tickets 6 of them then don't know if I'm getting it, it's really weird feelings but it will be my first time maybe to get to do it, it's been so long ago ever since my NDP feelings. I want to live back the old feelings then don't know if I can. It feels like I will go to this NDP this year as a celebration of my 1st time "out of ward" during that date of the month, it's really sad how people just let me suffer even during this year of recovery phase, my road to 38 years old definitely not special, then it's going to be road to 39 and 40 next year onwards. It's a big vision like "will I be successful"? "Will girls hate me if I don't pass O level"? "Will I be happy with a just pass despite doctor claiming I will score all as distinction"? "Can I become like Crow Yuzree that successfully finished A level"? It's really madness the chase for ownself to be higher in intelligence, then being left all alone to think of this by own self, like no support like "going out for enjoyment first", "go to other countries as celebration of taking medicine first", it's really nothing kind of support for me to do O level, it's another empty happiness just changing own profile into a better education person, still made me feel like living on my own without seeing my parents anymore since I scored N level easily, maybe I can do O level easily too. Life if my heart experience a lot of hatred it is sad like I can't gain happiness thats comforting in life, it's all like a "temporary pain" exist to endure while "gaining happiness" in this case "higher my education standard", why a pain must exist like why I have to be the poor old guy in school? It's really bad but my family just plan nothing for me.

I wonder why it's like this, like no one help me except my brother, the ease are from own self and government, I want to feel totally relaxed but none of my parents effort for me to feel more relaxation in life.