In my mind

Thinking of what colour table to buy, if black will make me think of Wahdiah but the table won't get dirty easily, so it's satisfaction, I think I loss my memory but in the past I bought a white to not think of Wahdiah anymore because she didn't effort to stay in my life, I remember she thought I would be warded for memory loss then actually it wasn't so bad after all, it's just sad she didn't visit me still at home. My birthday is nearing then I have no lover to be happy with, it's been so many years, I wonder why they don't care I'm a man without a lady by my side, they considered me as crazy maybe secretly then think the tough decisions are good for me, I'm just sad my sadness don't have a counsellor as it's something we must pay in life.

This time I have I.M.H jobclub money so I'm fine until August, means it will continue to be okay for the rest of the year too, as maybe next year I'm taking O level, I really don't know if I can do it, I'm supposed to go out a lot with Epul but I remember I ever go City Hall then he didn't appear or it's like a dream happens then I didn't want to go so far anymore. It's really weird my life surviving and trying to be a good person. My entire family solat except me, I feel odd and left out, like decreasing the chances of getting Wahdiah, but I don't know she just too much expectation that will pain me maybe, the moments to do it are not feeling good enough. I remember I tried then I feel nothing good happening then I stop, it was only 1 day. I don't know about Shahridah she like never effort to appear because it will create suspicion like Alysha's lies, then she didn't contact me too it's something bad, it's really weird there's not even a letter as maybe I will be angry and throw? I really don't know. I feel like actually they've been married to others then had left me alone, I really have no life still thinking of them.

I don't know why no heart appear to comfort me of my loss in relationship lifestyle, people are not caring to help me be stronger, it's either independent or pain/weakling, I'm lucky jobclub's money appear if not I'm in pain and considering myself a weakling, like a sissy weakness because can't work from pain but "mental sickness" like I'm a liar instead, I'm just disappointed they maybe secretly believe I'm a liar then I can't receive help anyway. There's no counsellor siding my life stories then I have to live on imagination of work by myself and survival life if I don't work, now it's better because I.M.H have given me money.

The bank name given money is "Woodbridge Hospital", it's really sad it's something to laugh when I was kids then I laugh, then I enter it instead, I really have no hope kind of feelings, this definitely caused me to become difficult in getting a girl as they don't know my mind, I'm considered as problematic most probably and girls will run away from me like Wahdiah and Shahridah, it's disappointing like they don't even message me, their avoidance or evasion is like "evil(Alysha) won this fight" instead, that I will decide to leave them forever 1 day as their wish(but it means Alysha will win as she broke/split us up, she will be happy).

The story of doctor saying I will be Soldier and Part Time O level doesn't match, it means maybe I won't become a Soldier and A level too? Means my Bio description will have to change maybe, I thought it's like S.A.F given me 1 year of freedom to focus on full time A level, something like that, then it's nothing just my imagination that Law "being nicer to me".

I wonder why nobody in my family angry @ Alysha for the bully to Dina when she was a toddler, Alysha escaped so many talks in life that she managed to enter university peacefully, it proves that she have a mind that was a mastermind as a child as "she's smart enough to enter university", it's just so unfair my life Alysha escaping nags and talks, she's just living her life normally and even having boyfriend definitely. It's crazy the way my parents care for their family, it's so disappointing that even a counsellor if know would feel sad, but I hope will side me about the harshness like can turn me into a sissy or gay imagination, it's just too bad that a man not supported to be feeling like a beggar then controlling ownself to not beg for money, means when I was schizophrenic i ever walk around I thought of sitting down and wait for money to drop to me, it's really bad but nobody is helping me and they willing to let me be in pain more than be happy, at that time like McDonalds, KFC or $30 like that would've made me happy, but people who earns $3000+ still won't give $30 for years, it's really bad they consider money is only for food and always be angry about cheap cigarettes like I'm surviving right now. I need a counsellor like an angel appearance(muncul suddenly) to talk to my family but I have no idea where to get them, its just unfair, then I want counsellor to side me about their method of care as "painful" and "gaying" me up, I feel so weak, boring and dull. As a recovering phase, they don't even invite me out to places like Shopping Malls(Marina Square Type or Tampines Area) to see what the world became and how much I missed in life. They let me thinking of independence when Singapore Law was receiving British's Help at first, I really wish for a Loving Type of Help. I feel no love at all just fed like "a baby stuffing what's given" it's really neglect in my belief(don't know if it's the right word).