Boring no memories

Still nothing new, I realized that I can be dreaming again what actually happened in reality, it's really weird that it's like this, like a flashback, I wonder why it's like that? I really hope I dream of answers and not funny stuff anymore, I may think some reality is a dream too, it's weird why people are doing this to me like letting it happen? What does it all mean?

I wonder what's going to happen next year, what's going to happen on the day I took medicine for 1 year? What else will I remember? Will I stabilize? Can I feel the recovery first before 38 years old? Since doctor can be wrong sometimes, is there a way to be cured at late 37 years old? I really want to be cured tomorrow but I really don't know how. Why does it take so long for a schizophrenia to be cured? My neighbours still not cured yet, how do they live without worries at all? 1 daily water plants and clean outside floor, the other unknown, but they live without worries it seems like that, I'm growing to be scared as hell sometimes, I remembered I thought that I'm in coma and my life is a nightmare, it's weird nobody worried of me at all, they truly didn't try for me to experience a love story like meeting me up with someone I love, they really let me be not okay and didn't try such thing. It's sad my love support is so small and little, and not powerful at all, it's really devastating. I really don't know how to create people to perform things for me, like updating me keeping me happy like news of Sakinah, Wahdiah or Shahridah but then nobody letting me be happy or happier, it's all about food I guess to be happy, what about love or relationship goals? Why is it like this? How to change their mind on how they decide my life? It's unfair my life.

I can't take this like my only happiness are like items and numbers then having PayNow settled, hidup rase lengkap, I remember I still don't have jeans, but it doesn't really matter anyway, I wonder whens all this waiting going to end, is there a way for me to see life before my birthday? I want to feel light in life not heavy.

There's 20 viewers my last 2 posts, I imagine real readers and people fooling me at the same time, why doesn't this reach to mentality of my family, like why they don't mind I don't have a girl? Why they make me think I feel that they think I'm crazy so can't have a girl? Why they making me like desperate to have a girl? It's like torture to me, they don't talk about Sakinah, Wahdiah, and Shahridah for so long, then I'm just living my life like this been going to be 1 year and still nothing.

I wonder how or when my life will improve, it's so long and been so long, I'm always the same experience like buying same stuff, this year is different like I keep the things instead, it's really like secretly making me insane, I feel my mind as blank now, I really still hear voices of small girl or maybe even myself, it's really harsh schizophrenia, why this sickness exist, don't it make a person laugh at insanity then if have schizophrenia like been laughing at ownself? It's like chronic illness as something funny to have, because of Pak Raden Misteri Jam 12. It's weird my life I hope somebody appear like an angel to help me.