It's been 24 hours since I last remembered about my 2nd sister's cerai, when am I remembering more stuff in my life? I want/need something nice to feel not keep on being the bad memories for my life, even remembering this I can't remember doctor saying what job I will work as, maybe dishwasher but then I can't hear well, the voices include a small girl's voice always making me rimas and angry into my heart, I feel sad it's like this, kept losing information of important stuff, I really don't know what I will work as and nobody cares about it. There's really no jobs at Facebook, I really will end up working as dishwasher again, I really don't know up until when I will feel bad about jobs, just now I bought storm king again, with redbull, so it's another $5.50 spent, it's really sad like that, money flowing out but I am not gaining anything in life, I just have to survive until August I need to think of a way.
How did doctor know I won't be working anyway, how come doctor don't tell about my 39 years old? Why am I suffering like this? Maybe I should stick to the plan of focusing on medicine first which I forgot due to memory loss, then just stay at home daily thinking if I will become crazy, I just want nice stories but I end up remembering something like terbantot an unfinished story, it's really bad and quite an angry feeling, like losing something due to the small girl's voice survives, always ruining information in my life, there's no payment that will be nice then revenge is only the best way to return the pain given by Alysha, it's stupid and not funny at all, I have no one backing me up like reminding what doctor said, instead they would expect me to be working instead. I really don't know how I will get my next job, I really need to try around somehow.
I really can't find a good job, maybe 38 years old my birthday then I will get a job from my friends? I really don't know, all of them knew that I would recover at 38 years old, but it's so long then none tried to contact me earlier too.
I just have to wait until 38 years old to see if there's any changes in life, why nobody giving me like a light of new life or new journey though, it's so boring my life no celebration that I am getting well at all.
I really tried to search around for people on my Facebook but I can't find anyone, it's really a boring feeling, to imagine everyone as working hard now, my life is the only life that's not alive, it's dead even at approaching 38 years old, there's no feelings of new life being blooming all. People are so heartless to me, it's the same feelings over and over again, then I imagine maybe this year I will see the N.D.P, I really don't know but maybe I will be free this August this time? It's been so long, to just see fireworks maybe is boring anyway, so I really don't know what to do, who would plan things for me? Why are people making money without helping me anything? It's like an angry feeling that I can't explore to communicate with Sakinah, all of them definitely don't let it happen then Sakinah also didn't let it happen, it's so long but she just regard it like nothing is happening between me and her + why she don't reject news about me anymore then?
I'm thinking of life having no friends, when will anyone appear in my life again, why is it taking them so long, why they let me be alone for a long time too? It's really weird, there's no celebration at all I really wonder what I should do, I just focus on medication until it changes then it's going to be new medicine 11th May onwards, life definitely changing for the better ones, doctors definitely not telling me where in going to work, if ask he will recommend jobclub instead, it's really sad they take it as nothing when actually I lose my money, how can working so hard only be $7/hour, it's really crazy the amount, from $1600/mth, then it's $7/hr, I'm so upset like I can't recover from the loss, I wonder what I should do, I really want to be calm and peaceful, maybe I'm an example of someone with no life?
I tried my best to kill time like anime, but it didn't work out, I still have anhedonia and I can't be happy watching animes, I wonder when's the feeling coming back, they all let it die off and didnt mind I lose my happiness in life. Even matter of girls, they don't mind I dont meet up with Wahdiah and Shahridah, then to believe they would help me about Sakinah, it's impossible, it should be directly my family helping, not my relatives, it's like a recipe to get it longer time and having no chance at all, I wonder why my family is cruel to me, they made me feel pain until I wrote all these in my blog.
I wonder what to do in life, even if my parents paid for me bills of I.M.H, I still feel like an orphan that have nobody to help, what's worse maybe I don't have a caretaker too, because I need to work first instead of "rest and focus on medicine" first. It's really bad my life journey, people don't pity me like poisoning me with their decision, then my body to feel it like normal people instead of schizophrenia, it's no life at all, I have nobody that cares about me.
Just now my mother bought me Waker Chicken, it's so nice the food, then I realize happiness isn't really all about food when there's a lot of nice food, it's really about Sakinah that they don't want to get, maybe they dislike her is what I feel, that they hid it, I have no choice I guess, their decision is really letting me grow old until close to 40 years old, my ambition to be married at 27 years old was not achieved, then 30, then 33, I failed every time about achievements, it's really sad, close to 40 and they all torturing me as regard it as nothing, some people married at 18 and have 18 years old child at 36 years old, then me? A baby at 39/40/41/42/43/44? They really gave me no chance at all to be happier in life. I didn't even get to spend time with who I want to heal my lovesickness, they didn't pity me at all. Now I'm imagining like 45 years old, what's going to happen to me?
45-38= 7 years, 7 years from now, my life need a job, a stable income, at 45 maybe I will start to get married and have a child, or they expect me to dye my hair to look like matsaleh and marry at 50/60 "so it's okay"? Haha, so sad, so old and I can't be with the person I love. I thought they quote like "semua DOA akan dimakbulkan Allah", but I don't even get it, example praying for a good job, then I don't get it, in fact I just doa "Ya Allah bagilah aku kerja this month.. Amin" but then even if I plan to focus on medications I want a stable job to last me until start of school, to continue working on weekend next year too, I really feel helpless, no girls planning to support me at all? They really letting me grow 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 useless man with not strength? How are we going to go on Holiday if I work anyway by that time, or even school, what if I'm so old and heart attack then die because of too much anger due to schizophrenia everything feels like a torture to me? Schizophrenia not cured yet and have to be 38 years old is quite crazy, I'm close to the age but then doctor isnt appearing anywhere but I just have appointment to go as usual. Even doctors are heartless towards me.
It feels like I will end up buying papers everyday to get myself a job, but I really don't know if such thing will happen.
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