Others are luckier in life.
I just closed my eyes and have a vision of a negro wearing a cap with moustache and looking downwards and sad with big nose, I wonder why it's like that my eyes, I find it interesting how such things happens, the mouth of the person was like this :o, I really don't understand why no psychiatrist tells me anything about my vision, the clothes and cap the person wear is dark grey in colour. What does it mean? He looks like Barack Obama.
Schizophrenia is really painful to have in life, everyday is a heavy feeling, I'm trying for a constant sit down and less walk but it hardly happen and I end up walking a lot, I want to discover if walking a lot makes me hear more voices but guess I can't find out. The voice pains my mind due to it being irritating like all the time, it's like during irritated moment = talk = will hear it back, or a bad feeling = sentences I heard at that time will hear them again. I really wish someone that finds me having a mental problem or mental sickness in a bad way like "crazy", to have a family member that's schizophrenic also, then they will believe the person more, it's weird I remembered about my memory loss during the time my 2nd sister cerai, they don't care but just do it for the good feelings I get, it's really weird doctor said it's like a scar in my mind. Maybe I cannot match the reality that "it is okay to cerai", especially someone in my family, then I just have to hope that she have a new baby at the same time so I will stabilize but I think I will become crazy because I feel like a dirty family, but when I think of Wahdiah I stabilizes again, maybe they(the girls) are just important in my life but they won't be around for me and let me endure this pain for real, like a reality thing that they won't come and save my life at all, it's sad that my love story is like "being a man need to be strong" instead of "u have support of a lady", it's terrible how bad Wahdiah and Shahridah ignored my needs and continued earning money, they didn't even spend time for me every weekend even. I'm sad like left crazy for so long.
Later I will take ghost story from my brother's room to start reading books already, I feel bored like hell and I should increase my language, it's been too long and my growth became thinking of words like "schizophrenia, anhedonia, catatonia" then people say I write like a doctor, I remember last time, it's weird but it could just be a laughing stock sentence and not true about it, but then I could be schizophrenic and think they are trying to make me a laughing stock, it's just weird, "crazy man a doctor" maybe? I really don't know, but in life we never know.
Why people know I will be having a hard life but expect me to effort a lot more than I can? Why people don't really make my life lighter and easier?
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