I really don't know if such thing will really happen, it's like not knowing I will get my number at that time, then it's the same number before Simba company existed doctor have told me this going to be my number, something permanent my entire life, I won't change my number due to the pattern, it's so nice 8 0 2 4 4 2 0 2, only the first and last digit are not the same, the middle are all the same of each other, how can I have anhedonia at times or matters like this? Getting this number is like getting a soulmate or wife, I really love this number as my wife, hahaha, how can I want to commit suicide, this number is so nice, then how can I have child with any prostitute at geylang, then my child's father's number is 80244202? Hahaha I'm so happy about this number, it made me change my mind about suicide and having a child with a prostitute. Sadly nobody calls me up.
I really look at fame of my platoon mate "Crow Yuzree" on Facebook, he became really popular, just his comments section have 200+ comments, means his business is always in mind of Singaporeans already, he's really lucky to have so many fans and people listening to him. I wonder why someone like him don't blog but maybe because of his excessive tattoos causing him to not match if become a blogger. People with tattoos usually become like a businessman nowadays, like MangoBossKu, their popularity is real in Singapore, why "Crow Yuzree" don't use TikTok to popularize his business is weird, TikTok easily have like 40+k viewers and paying $16 like that only, he can expand his business so easily but he's not doing such thing.
My brain feels so hard like I imagine the boiled baby duckling in egg, maybe my brain is hard like that, it's like something stuck in my head, I really wonder what is it, my right eyes in pain and my left eye still got the tembel-like scar of heat/cigarette fire.
I wonder when I will recover from schizophrenia, it's already May then it's nothing interesting that is nice to remember but just remembering my 2nd sister cerai conversations where I kept repeatedly going to my house and my 2nd sister's old house, then to my house, then there again, continuously like tiring my body, because of continuous memory loss, it's really harsh they really made me walk so far many times instead of just writing a paper, it's really crazy nobody helps me and let the memory loss be continuously happening. If it became such kind of decision maybe I really won't be warded this 29th June, maybe it's the end already of ward days to become like my neighbours who no longer gets warded. They're so lucky how life been at home daily for years, but just still unlucky about medications needed daily, I wonder how to be cured like this if my neighbours arent cured yet after so many years living with them, it means like I will still have to take medicine until 50+ years old I think, it's really madness, like $70-$300+ monthly wasted on medicine, I wonder why I have this sickness, just my medicine costs $2800-$3000 for 10 months, imagine if I am not sick, every year my parents give me such amount of money, it will definitely be fun and happy life, but they aren't doing such thing for me anyway.
When I don't take my medicine in the past, they save money on medications but they didn't change it into a sum they should give me, it's really harsh to me but that's my life, always difficult since teenage days, I don't have the freedom in life then tattoo was a way to feel like an escape from mind-prison about rules of my parents in the teenage days, it's really bad all I wanted was to have a life like other kids who are not richer by common sense, but they get more money from their parents instead, I'm so unlucky of how my family/relatives treat me.
If I'm successful for not smoking tomorrow, I plan to go to the library to borrow books to read at home, just to improve my English and Malay language and that's all I want to do, being prepared for O level so early in the previous year, I hope I will be able to do this and have a new life. I remember during my N level when I was scoring high 100%, I think of leaving my family forever for the amount of money they gave me as something so little and I barely surviving, then I didn't score high at the end, it's really disappointing effort, only passing is not satisfaction or my standard at all, I'm definitely higher standard person.
I think since I won't suicide or have child with prostitute, I feel like leaving my family as they dont care about me, I wonder how to do it, like rent a room, work after studies, after 2 years after A level and get a good job? I really don't know what I should do, they don't supply me anything to try for Sakinah and let my sufferings be written by me, it's so heartless but they're real about it, proof is because I'm reaching 38 years old soon, they don't really care that I've grown old and not have children, not married, and even search for "sepupu" to become my wife, means they never prioritize what I want in life but just dragging me more wounded in my heart, like a wound being rubbed on continuously, the pain neverending from them somehow daily it will exist sometimes in my mind, like I've been poisoned by their words, expressions, choice and decision. They have no mercy to me at all about the pain they create, and I just feel dull everyday like this.
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