I have no one to talk to, everyday it's like silent or just talk to my mother, sometimes I ask my mother for massage, then life is really nothing good for me, I really am confused about why people treating me like I have done no achievement, waiting for next year is a long time, the countdown about my medicine will end soon because reaching 1 year, but it's going to be the most special year hopefully, there's no light celebration of my success in taking medicine, I just have to become mentally strong and expect nothing from anyone, I wonder how to do that, everyone feels my life like this as something okay, then I can't do anything nobody want to change my life but want me to effort, even using Hadis Qudsi when they can actually help, about "ubah hidup sendiri". It's really crazy, they would do things like Korban, Derma Buat Masjid, but then I'm left like only with what I have, without feeling more in life, I don't understand, pahala we don't see but feelings exist that it can become bad, they rather I experience a bad feeling, I feel so helpless, and they're not really people that I should rely on, because they only give me common sense treatment but expect more like "no smoking or ..(like a poison into my heart and brain their words or expression)", it's really bad their heartlessness are real. They made me feel like making random prostitute pregnant and ruin my entire lineage, it's really bad, the suicidal if didnt happen it's about destroying them back because not like a meaning of "family".
I don't know how to recover from this, they're bad treatment is thought as the best they can do but I don't have the strength like them to keep working and earning money, their advantage is to shit talk after that, then I really can't do anything about it, I don't know why they rather I am poor for so long, I really want to search for Sakinah, then I rather if little money to be just around at home to spend at shop, it's really sad they let me grow so old without Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah's support. They feel nothing about my loneliness and even have ideas of their own like matching me with "sepupu", it's quite crazy the perfection got destroyed, their taking lightness in their decision and choice that they feel it won't pain me at all their words, I just have to pretend everything as okay as to become more peaceful in life.
I can't do anything like if they feel they're the best in advising, it's like knowing their bad decision means actually their personal thinking as bad, then it means I won't get a better life, but they don't care, it's high achievement to be almost 1 year on medicine but no money at all, why should I feel so much pain in life, they don't let me try my best for a girl(Sakinah) it feels like they don't feel she's good at all I think, maybe they just don't like her for what happened to me, Sakinah left me alone anyway as extra pain for me to feel in life. If they didn't effort, it feels like Sakinah will know they don't like her maybe, it's just a bad life I am having, I somehow feel it's okay if I think my 2nd sister's ex-husband is better than her husband, then it's okay she loss more happiness in life I think, she probably just became stronger from exercise to forget the boredom of her husband, it don't make sense the communication like cannot happen but she got married instead. I feel it's okay because my 2nd sister is lokek to me, what work as Police until have rank like WO then have no money is something crazy to believe, they're really useless in deciding my life or their choice for my life. I feel like I have no life at all.
One day I really pray they regret and realize their mistake of putting me in ward multiple times because it's so bad and they have no idea of it, but they just feel it as something Good instead, it's a weird feeling, they don't even feel Dilemma is bad, means everything I am instructed to do is their expectation or I experience pain in life, they just don't want to decrease pain in my life and got me feeling tortured by them, it's so stupid there's no lightness in life and have to panic everytime reaching $200, it's so bad my heart feeling all these, it's so unhealthy.
I survive like a poor man begging for money then they really let me feel all these to cause like a suicidal thoughts, sex with prostitute until pregnant kind of thoughts, they don't really love me like I imagine what love should be like, love is making ways to live life, but they are like this to me even at this age, it's sad nobody notices and psychics+ustaz didn't care at all that I experience bad life journey.
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