Day 264 out of ward(312 on medications)

Just 1 more day then I have 100 days left to become 1 year "out of ward", I never been 1 year out of ward before because yearly I go to I.M.H Ward 35A where I kept seeing the same people over and over again, it's a repeated story everytime inside I.M.H. I wish if I'm warded again to record my experience in I.M.H to make my family feel guilty for putting me there, it's really sad they don't feel bad at all when I'm in I.M.H with all the sounds and smells, and violent behaviour of people, they really let me experience the alternative prison like a criminal. I really feel unlucky in my life and hope my children understand that our family is strict like that but me I will be different, I will always want them to be freedom and light life like always having money, instead of experiencing poor life "to be grateful" because not "like Africa or Palestine", we have whatever to enjoy we must enjoy our life. I don't know why my family and relative don't mind that I live a poor life. It's really sad that it's like that and I don't understand why Ustaz or Psychologist doesnt interfere and help my life become lighter or more worry-free, I feel disappointed with all "psychic/psychic-like" knowledge people have in their brain then didn't feel that I need help at all or know my problems then they let family treat me like this.

29th June I have planned to use Android in I.M.H and blog daily, if I enter ward, hopefully this year doesn't happen.

Just now I dream of something like "if want to be surgeon" zikir "kelembutan", "if want to be heart surgeon" zikir "kejantungan", it was funny. I don't know why I dreamt something of Malay language like that, it was on a piece of paper of a way to gain skills. In the dream I zikir "kelembutan" quickly as reflex it was so funny, I wonder if it's a dream from Satan or its a dream from God, why do people dream nonsensical things like this?

Today I took medicine around 8a.m then I feel fine that I don't loss my memory, maybe yesterday was just too much memories about my 2nd sister, then it happens like that, I was unstable and weak anyway.

I hope friends appear on May because it's going to be June soon, but I really don't know if it will happen because doctor probably want to lessen the "friendship" that can happen because I will want to go out a lot I guess, then my luck is that people that can help me chooses not to help but my life remaining this way like a useless stupid idiot.

I wonder why weekends Sakinah still won't be in touch with me, her niece probably primary school already so big then maybe she teaches her stuff as fact? I really don't know, but the life I imagine of giving her is to keep her occupied with work so the job at bank then understanding her weekends are spent for her niece, then I hope it's really like that, don't know or understand how she will have the time for "Nur Iman" it's really sad like that, my vision of her being like my beautiful soulmate didn't come true, and I have to endure watching her life became whatever she had done, it was stupid kind of love feeling, then I feel like I lost her then I feel like I can get her still if I don't give up, so I spam her email, her Facebook messenger, then no responses at all, it was bad she decided to become like that to me.