Today I ate nasi sambal goreng ayam then have Nutella tarts I ate 4. Lol. My parents reached home from Johor and brought those food.
I don't know why I feel like scared of shortage of money, but I guess my family members never felt this way before, I'm just so weak like a weakling then have grown fat and heavy, im so unlucky, anhedonia made my schizophrenia worse too, I walked alot today then didn't experience the dark vision despite walking a lot for 2 days straight, I think ive been fixed somehow and maybe became stronger that "only more walks would cause it again"? Maybe it is called catatonia where my eyes will always feel like wanting to look up, then if roll upwards is the memory loss moment, I wonder why people are not worried that I have schizophrenia, like they let me walk around like this without worries, it's really disappointing like they trust or believe that I am normal, when actually I try to be normal as I can especially when I don't take medicine. Now ive been taking medicine for almost a year, I wonder how the feelings will be, it's just next month as the recovery age that I don't know the recovery month or day, it's really sad and exciting at the same time, to recover fully from schizophrenia before my neighbours.
Schizophrenia is a scary sickness, imagine my bills $280+ then $320+ once in a while because see doctor, that amount of money for 5 months is already $1500, then it means I have been using up my parents money a lot that if I get cured they have so much to give me, but a doctor sent a message to not give money as semua ada rezeki masing-masing, I'm so unlucky how my rezeki are only government's money but doctor sent such message already without being a caring person like pitying my life. I imagine it's so much to me but it's nothing to my parents the money that have been spent. It's a lot of anger and disappointment like I won't make them poor but they are like this to me, even thinking of spending study items by myself like it feels like a shame to write the prices as so low then I'm like that. I'm so bad luck in life that I worry if I start studying in August it would be too late, then I remembered by Epul that June is actually too early, I believed him still that it's maybe "tripping mind" of schizophrenia medicines maybe causing me wanting to study hard. It's really boring my life I just want to achieve a higher level of happiness by being stronger in my education etc., I feel sad when I think of education like Wahdiah won't want me if I'm only N level then unless she schizophrenia she will miss me again and again I believe, so it's a mixture of wanting her schizo and not at the same time, but then I worry if she schizo and tear her own clothes in public like can see the bra. I want to accompany her when she is schizo especially the moments of maybe messy hair too, it's really bad the schizophrenia, I feel the same about the other girls too, I just want to be a hero to them but then it's bad if wish for them to be schizophrenic, so I just wish my imagination is enough to capture their heart to love me.
Being a schizophrenic is a lot of suffering, the first few days of meds are a lot of sleep, I remember I sleep for almost 24hours each day for 10 days, or is it actually that I memory loss for almost 24hrs each day for 10 days? Either one, I just want to hit 29th June quickly so that I maybe will remember the rest of my life that I have missed. Life being like a coma, my pleasures hardly increases then money is the hard part of my life as my family don't pity me and confident that I will be alive "to try for Sakinah 1 day", they don't see me as a dead person that love Sakinah then die unfortunately. They don't pity the time I'm apart from her and the rest of the girls like just letting me live my life like this even if I have typed it out, I wish sometimes that I die in the past then it didn't happen too, I guess I'm too much of a bad Muslim, as I think of wanting death instead.
I remember like memories that makes me happy are information of recovery, money getting day, items getting day, like presents or gifts for taking medicine for 1 year, then I guess it's all delusional and illusion by Alysha, she's so bad making me crave for things and hearing them in voices, I feel so unlucky in my life meeting someone like her, it feels so bad my life journey became like an insane man, I even walk to city hall alone, then don't eat for 3 days, maybe because I was spiked meth from smoking by picking cigarette but I wasnt feeling angry, it was just scary times of my life that I feel such thing. It feels like dark vision appearance of my father that will comfort me then sometimes if the vision is sunlight background and black father it becomes painful instead and scary. My life feel like a war that japanese manages to try humiliate me, then I remember now it's just schizophrenia and lies of Alysha that repetitively played into my mind to become paranoid and hallucinating.
Now the voices are soft and like have a line imagination of sound that's high frequency non-stop cushioning the pain of her voices/sentences, that makes me feel luckier today after yesterday was the start of higher peace.
I still feel like playing bicycle but I changed my mind as I maybe will end up to n.t.u.c to buy Nutella 1kg and bread then I will worry if I can park the bicycles at such places(fences), it's really crazy my mind became as I worry such thing, I really hate how Law created me to feel "can or not" nowadays, it's really sad they should comfort us as "Law". "The hero" is their callings but I feel stressed.
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