Today I on music Spotify and listen to songs in toilet, usually 2nd or 3rd song I will finish bathing already it's really fast. Today is not so happy because of litterbug hunter like made me sad and angry it's so strict, I just want it to be over soon, it's really hard and painful for a schizophrenic will panic a lot.
I'm thinking of my life just now in toilet when jiwang song appeared, how is life of my 2nd sister's ex-husband like why he just married another and make babies, like my 2nd sister is not precious, it's too quickly too, but maybe my 2nd sister was angry because she ever heard promise of not to marry other girls, like marrying 2, then it happened. It's okay anyway because in the end it's Dina's half-siblings, then if they marry again already became a family, it's like impossible seeing how deep or long my 2nd sister plan for marriage then really wanted a divorce, it's something unexpected in family I think because shes a smart person.
I think it's boring now my life, her husband an Egyptian, then not a gamer life and always working at other country at Makkah I think, then only 1 day or 1 week in Singapore every month or every year, it's really boring my life, I have no guys to talk to side me about this stress, I have to handle on my own, even my brother said that it's nothing, throwing litter they won't check for fingerprints, but I really heard someone saying "Hello good morning" at the door, then my brother said maybe it's Salesman or Donation, I feel better but I still have today, Sunday, Monday(my mother is back on this day).
I feel bored like wanting to go fishing in August like that, but I really don't know, I don't think 10.09 Shahridah will be around at Merlion because it's Thursday, her working day, so I don't think I'm going down to try my luck. It's the common sense, she's working the next day and as a teacher anyway, I guess I have no chance of being with her again.
My heart still don't feel good, yesterday I dreamt of incest and imperfection, then it's a scary dream, I wonder why Alysha made my mind like this, it's almost 1 year from medications but I still hear her voices. It's really scary how "it never ends", but I'm happy if it's ending as 38 years old doctor said that it will be my happiest year of my life, I don't know what it means and I'm excited to feel it, it's really harsh even in May will be painful like this, so I hope I go through the days until my birthday peacefully then I feel it's fine about the litterbug hunter, it's scary and painful as hell the pain or fear appears in my heart, then they still do such thing to me(maybe). I really don't know what's going to happen to me in life, will I be warded or not such thing, it's just bad my life journey and experience even on the recovery phase this year.
I have 90 days left to feel 1 year out of ward, then 42 days left to feel 1 year on medications. It's really a scary feeling this month like loss of peace but I have to go through it. I really hope my birthday I will be peaceful. I just worry about Monday as my mother will be back home and they maybe will knock door on that day because Sat and Sun are weekends. So unlucky, to have attitude problem because of my 2nd sister's divorce, I became harsher and wild in my decision, I used to be a discipline man that always throws litter properly, I guess I don't like her image became/become/becoming "a girl that sex with 2 men due to 2nd marriage", but I can't do anything about it. I guess this stress mainly comes about litterbug hunter then it just redirect me back into feeling of the old days that became coming back into my memories/mind.
I don't know how my life going to be without playing Fifa everyday at my 2nd sister's ex-husband's computer ever since the keylog incident I didn't use the computer I think, my 2nd sister claim it's like a betray but then maybe he just decided to marry another person then have children that became Dina's half-siblings, then it's still okay if somehow he try for my 2nd sister but she already have a husband, probably her husband will sue for stalking then I can't support any stalking to happen too, it's not nice too if my 2nd sister looks like having 2 men because she will loss her memory 1 day, then somehow her ex-husband will know it and be around to bring her out for a meal. Thats what doctor said so I really dont know why such thing will happen. I hope her schizophrenia is smoother than mine anyway, I know doctor said that she will feel like she don't need medicine "because don't have schizophrenia", then it prolongs her life not remembering her current husband, it's just really weird.
Anyway I hope my recovery from schizophrenia will happen faster than 38, I hope 1 of the happiness of this age is "Sakinah coming into my life", it's really sad she left me growing old without realizing I'm old age. I hope she just stop being childish about it and help me for real, I really wish Imam Mahdi will help cure me from feeling too much about my love for her, or Jesus will appear to cure me too, it's really harsh I really have no one to help me, even Wali Allah cant cure me.
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